When we were kids we all have questions that we want answered like “Why the sky is blue?” “Why do we have to wake up?” and all those innocent questions that you just adore to answer. On the other hand some kids have questions that their answers just seem lost with the wind.
“Why am I fat? Why am I different?” questions that I found it unable to escape my lips and so it remained unanswered. I can’t really remember the ge it started, was it first grade? No, I remember it was before, maybe when I was around the age of five. Yes, about that time that I became.. What do they call it? Fat? Chubby? Over weight? Or you can say all of the above and more. Indeed I became that fat kid who was going through a crisis. I, as a kid, couldn’t care less to what I’m going through, didn’t feel it is more of a correct term.
As I grew I could feel the eyes on me, more like pity to “How will her future be” or “poor thing she needs to diet” and sometimes it was disgust that I could sense in their voice. It wasn’t as much as outspoken words as the stinging of their thoughts that I could feel they could hide their words but they could not hide their glares. Sometimes just sometimes I could over hear the whispering of the elders to each others and sometimes these whispers comes to my parents saying that I should stop eating or I’ll be in big trouble. I as my usual self pretended like I never heard a thing in my outer appearance but the inner me heard well, probably too well that it hurt deeply, more than anyone could imagine.
Often did the days come when clothes didn’t fit me and I came to hate the term “clothes” whatsoever. I hated shopping and I didn’t find it an amusement so I left it to my mother even when I come to grow older.
School and kids around me was another thing. Name calling wasn’t uncommon, on the contrary it was expected at anytime. Which lead me to those shadows of loneliness compiled with other reasons (which I will explain later on). I would sit back and watch people and observe what they did , for I didn’t fit in.
Sure I had friends but it was hard for me being the fat friend amongst them, people usually compared and when they didn’t their thoughts of comparison echoed in my head it would never give me a break. I became paranoid.
Being a middle child had a huge role into my introvert way of life. You would assume being a part of a big family would make me all that socially active. To tell you the truth it is not like this at all. Having four older siblings and four younger siblings made me somehow lost to where I belong. I was lost and never knew what category I would fit and so I created my own world.