Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 4 “Endless Tries”

The best gift you could give anyone is Acceptance. -Esperanzish Proverb

“Let us do a diet. All of us” my mom would say. I was about ten at that time and so my mother, my sister, and I would go the nutrition and one by one would be given instructions. When it was my turn the doctor would say “Why are you like this?!” in a scolding manner, I didn’t like him, I pouted my lips, tears willed up in my eyes and I looked ahead, beyond him not wanting to give into embarrassing sobs. “I hated doctors” I thought. “Aren’t we paying him? Why is he shouting at me? Why doesn’t he have better manners?” My thoughts trailed more and more I stayed quite, I didn’t want my tears to betray me. So I waited for him to write down my eating schedule to be started the next day. I was given the usual diet: No more than a half of a bread, no oily stuff no fried ingredients, and a lot of NOs add to that a bunch of salads. On the bright side I was given a small portion of chocolates to that.

We were done from the nutrition and tomorrow is when we begin dieting we might as well have our last fast food meal. We ordered satisfying ourselves more like the “The last supper” painting but ours would be called “The Last Junk” or so we liked to believe so.

Two weeks have passed each one of us followed the diet’s plans. I did too but I managed to pop in more chocolates than I was allowed to when being not seen. The moment of truth came my mom lost half a kilogram, I lost two kilograms, and my sister was in between us as I recall. The week after we were back to our eating habits.

This was my first time i was young, a child is more like it but it wasn’t the last. I tried many ways other nutritionist and at-home diets all was a fail to me, didn’t work out. A question always popped into my head why would I be eating the same amount and type as the other girls and I’m the only one who manages to gain weight? Why? The same question came up to others and suggested that I do some tests, probably something wrong with my glands. I did them, I was perfectly fine. Than it’s something that has to do with their metabolism. Lucky them.

It went on like this trying new methods, new doctors but nothing worked. I gave up. I didn’t want to go on like this. I didn’t want to prevent myself for what I loved and others could enjoy.

At first I was sensitive with the subject. Every time someone told me that I’m fat and I needed to do something about it or that I should stop eating I would be angry and in tears. I was so sensitive I hated hearing those words as if I didn’t know!!!? People just didn’t want to try or think to be in my shoes. I had so much to take in and all I wanted was to be looked at as who I am.

Later in the years I grew apathetic to the subject I did not careless about what people would say, in fact I would sometimes laugh it off and make a joke out of it. That much I got used to hurtful words even though I was born a sensitive girl.

About the time I got to the age fourteen going on fifteen my weight has increased to its highest rates I had had reached almost one-hundred fifteen kilograms. It started to affect me in my knees, pain came and it was painful do silly stuff like climbing the stairs or sitting on the floor that much the burden of the extra meat was. I had to do something to it, I never complained afraid the blame would come back to me for not trying to lose weight but something had to be done. At that time there was a buzz going on about this new weight endoscopy procedure where they would be inserting a rubber balloon in the stomach to lesser the mass of the stomach which leads to eating less. Anything eaten over that would lead to vomiting the whole thing. A simple procedure that has an expiry date after seven months and so I did it.

I was given a month diet to follow with it and all I could feel is disappointment Why would I have to do a diet? Why did I do a procedure if I would’ve done a diet? But it was too late, it was a desperate decision and I followed the diet as much as possible wanting to find an overall solutions. I can’t really recall details but I remember throwing up constantly, sometimes all that I’ve eaten and sometimes it was assorted with blood. I did lose weight though about twenty-five kilograms and people saw the difference and some did decide to follow my lead and do the same. A time that came I didn’t lose weight no more but regardless when it expired I removed it and put in another one, it felt like a part of me and didn’t feel it existence I didn’t lose weight but it kept my weight stable.

After fourteen months of a balloon friendship I removed it permanently and then the horrifying dream that came to reality arrived, I regained my weight I bounced back to around a hundred kilogram or more. I stayed like that for a year or two and then I just couldn’t stop could I? A plastic ring? Have you ever heard of it? Oh well that too I decided to do but this one required a minor surgery, four miniature cuts in my stomach area. The ring was replaced inside my body surrounding my digestion organ. I can’t lie it was so difficult, food just got stuck in my throat and it was so painful. I would be walking everywhere just to get rid of the pain. Slowly I began to cope with it I learned way to get rid of the pain at first I started drinking liquids so furiously, standing by the sink that would make me vomit right away releasing me from the pain that I was in, but then I found a much easier and faster way.

I hesitated at first with the idea, I looked at my index finger thinking should I do it or not? And then I did it wanting to release myself from that pain. I stuck my finger inside my throat and forced myself to throw up, I felt relieved. It was an easy way out and I learned that it was the best solution to end with. It was painful but I knew it was my way out from my misery, maybe one day I’ll be able to have a perfect body.

I reached to ninety-five kilograms and didn’t lose anymore. Years of suffering and I didn’t lose that much but it was still with me at least it maintained my weight.

-Esperanza Writes

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