Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 5 “One Last Try”

 To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

Year 2009 was a great year to me. It was my final year of high school before graduation before me going to a whole new world of College. This may sound bizarre maybe over sensitive but you must know (and I remember that I mentioned this before) that I’m an over sensitive girl and if there is one thing that I worship is loyalty.

You see through eight years, middle and high school, I’ve known the same girls as naturally as a privite schools in Kuwait. We graduated on the June of 2009, sixteen girls only each having a future ahead of her. We loved each other but we cannot stay in the same place each had her own dream and I had my own, but it hurt me to leave them … it hurt me too much that I made an oath to not make a new relationships. I don’t want anything that would hurt me more.

That year I chose to field in English Literature in Kuwait University which lead for me to be the only one in that faculty due because most people are not interested in English as a studying field and we were only a few. There I was all alone, I felt so lost and disappointed. I grew depressed by the minute and I cried a lot. I had to study unrelated to english subjects and the Doctors where a pain in the neck each screaming “I’m worst!” and I had no friends whatsoever in that place. I had some girls I knew but that was later on and I just got to know them I didn’t want to make any sort of friendship (which might seem as if I was being mean to you readers but really all I was doing is preventing myself from being hurt anymore), I didn’t want to trust any girl and me being in this new society, new world made it worst.

I later on found my place and savor a small room where I could paint freely at any time, the instructor was there whenever I needed him but that was all, people weren’t interested in places like these and it suited me to release myself through painting, only later did girl started to pile in and make it their “gathering” place rather than actually painting that I decided to quit it overall.

In the year 2009 everybody was getting married everywhere. One of my classmates, which I wish her all the best, got married. People where getting engaged and only then it did strike me so many times that I realized I was going to be single forever, I’ll grow old to be called a spinster. I was only eighteen true but you must understand and know that I come from a Bedouin society where the rate of girls marrying is at that time or near it. I knew I was in big trouble no one was noticing a girl like me, my older sisters had people viewing them way before they graduated and later on too, I on the other hand had no guy give a second glimpse at me let alone someone asking for a viewing. You see it was very hard to me in the rate of confidence and in the rate of future life.

 I grew so quite and depressed my tears would often escape me and betray me when I could no longer hold it. Until that time came where my male cousin got engaged we went to my aunt’s house to congratulate them and I was at my peekest point of depression. My relatives noticed it and so did my siblings, and mom.

When we came home my mom asked to talk to me and she asked what is wrong with me. And then I told her everything, how I felt and how depressed I was and the things I couldn’t help, I’ll die a spinster. She tried to comfort me told me that marrying is fate and it’s a thing out of our hands. No appearance would be in a way of our fate and destiny.

She told me and tried to convince me, which she has been trying from way before, to get a gastric bypass surgery. She told me how it will make my life much easier where I’ll be loosing weight drastically and not only will I look thin but my health will be better and it won’t be in danger in the future when I get old. She told me that I have tried too much to lose weight and this could be it. That other people who knew did it and now they are as thin as a mannequin. She hugged me and told me to think about it and went away. A few minutes later she told me my father wanted to talk to me.

He comforted me, kissed me, hugged me and told me almost the same thing and that I shouldn’t stress things that is not in our hands.. that life is fate and destiny and we have to accept it as it is. He also told me he would prefer me dieting rather than doing the surgery but if doing the surgery is what I wanted then he will support me 100%. And last both my parents told me to perform the “Isterkharah” (seeking Allah’s guidance to make this decision).

Although I was against performing this surgery from way before that day made me think differently. I thought until when will I be like this? Until when will I continue I struggle? With a few persuasion from my younger sister and I performed the Istekharah. I finally came to the decision to do it. I will be doing the gastric bypass surgery. It was final and I will be doing it in the spring break in February, 2010.

-Esperanza Writes

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