I remember when I was excited about everything and anything. I remember when I would be enthusiastic about a sparkle in my head. I use to be a lot of things. This did not go entirely away, but must I say that in some parts it did evolve, became a better version, more knowledgeable and enlightened. But in other parts it just… died.
A quick recap. I graduated. I am officially a KU graduate majoring in English Literature and minoring in Comparative Literature. At this point my occupation in this world is the girl behind the screen. Stays up all night and watches shows and movies. Sleeps in the morning. Reserving little space. Becoming a minimalistic person. The black dot on a large white canvas.
I knew this would come. As much as happy I am with this whole graduation process, as much as I am petrified with the idea of becoming a cipher , a zero.
I’ve done much in my life that most people my age did not achieve. I’ve tried many things. Yet, it is nothing. I need more. It is my food. No amount of food will keep you full until the next day. You need to constantly eat to make the feeling of hunger fade away. At the same time, when you eat too much you need time to digest and relax.
I need my blood to keep running in order to feel that I exist. I need to feel that I am doing something for humanity. For myself. I am an -aholic.
At the moment I want to do everything. I have ideas jumbling through my head to what I should do. But at the same time I have nothing.
I miss writing. I miss writing my thoughts and leaving it for the world to read. They say if you love something do not study it. I got so much drown in this comparative lit minor, it sucked the life out of me. Every time I write it is solely for uni. And every time I write I feel like somebody is hovering over my shoulder and reading what I write, constantly commenting on how much I suck. My writings became associated with grades. What is this? An A? B? C? How bad and how good is it? So many uncertainties.
Now it is impossible to let go of these thoughts. This Nazism way of thinking. Imprisoning my brain.
I loved writing.
I still do.
I am back.
Black and White Nonsense