كاذبة أصبحت كاتبة

كتابها الثاني قد نشر، و ها هي تحصد النجاح للمرة الثانية، و تنال إعجاب الناس…  مدحهم لها يكاد يكون سببا ً لتلقب نفسها ب”الملاك الذي يمشي على الأرض” …هل تستحق كل هذا؟ هل تستحق كل هذا و أنا أدرى بماهية هذه الكاتبة؟

قبل عام ٍ و نصف تقريبا ً، كانت تربطني علاقة صداقة قوية بهذه الكاتبة…اعتبرتها أختا ً لي…أحببتها بشدة… و هي كانت تبادلني نفس المشاعر….على حد قولها.. لا أنكر بأنها أظهرت لي حبها من خلا بعض كلامها و تصرفاتها…و لكني لا أعلم إن كانت حقيقة أو محض تمثيل؛ فقد أصبح الشك ينتابني بكل ما مررنا به خلال صداقتنا التي استمرت عامين تقريبا ً.

لا أنكر بأني أشتاق لبعض الأمور قي تلك العلاقة…و لا أنكر أني أتمنى لو أن ما فرقنا من تصرفاتٍ و أكاذيب لم يكن موجودا ً…لا أنكر أني أتمنى أن استرجعها كصديقة لي…لا أنكر أني مازلت أكن لها بعض الحب بالرغم من نفوري الشديد منها بعد كل ما حدث و بعد كل ما سببته لي من أذى ً يستمر جرحه بالنزيف كل ما استرجعت ذكريات الماضي.

أحببتها فقدمت لها النصح و الإرشاد…أحببتها فكنت لها كالمرآة التي لا تظهر سوى الحقيقة…أحببتها فعاتبتها…أحببتها فقدمت الدعم لها و عززت ثقتها بنفسها و أعنتها على فعل الصواب بتشجيعي الدائم لها…. أحببتها فخذلتني، طعنتني في ظهري، قالت الأكاذيب و أوهمتني أنها الحقائق ، زعزعت ما تبقى من ثقتي بنفسي، و ضعتني في مواقف محرجة ، و قالت لأ ُناس ٍ لا يعرفون سوى اسمي أموراً قد لا تمد للحقيقة بصلة، و ليومي هذا و أنا أحاول أن أكتشف ماذا قالت و لمن قالته و ماذا كان الهدف من ورائه…

أكاذيبها و أقوالها سببا لي الأذى النفسي، العقلي و الجسدي…كنت دائما ما أصاب بالمرض، و تزول ابتسامتي عن و جهي مسببة ً الحيرة لدى صديقاتي و حتى أساتذتي عن سبب غياب تلك الابتسامة التي عُرفت بامتلاكها طوال الوقت…. ذهني كان شاردا ً؛فبدأت درجاتي بالتدهور و نشاطي في الفصل قد قل وكان معدوما ً في بعض الأحيان… اعتقدت أن هنالك شي ٌ يسبب لي كل هذا…مرض ٌ ربما… و لكني لم أدرك أن سبب تغير حالي كان بجانبي طوال الوقت …. لا عجب بأن الأذى لم يزل عني إلا عندما افترقت عنها وقطعت علاقتي بها نهائيا.

صديقتي هي عدوتي و أنا لم أدرك ذلك إلا بعد أن نفذت قوتي و بات من المستحيل أن أتحمل المزيد من الأذى.

في الحقيقة، و منذ بداية علاقتنا، كنت دائما أشعر بعدم الارتياح اتجاه بعض أقوالها و أفعالها و أشعر بأنها تخبئ شيئا ما، و لم أكن أعلم آنذاك بأن ما تخبئه كانت حقيقتها التي كانت تزيفها بطرق ابتكرتها و لا تزال تستخدمها…. شككت بها منذ البداية، و لكن من حبي لها توارى لي أن سبب شكوكي قد يكون بفعل الشيطان… الشيطان الذي لا يتحمل رؤية علاقة متينة كتلك التي كانت لدينا…. فكنت أعتقد بأنه يوسوس لي حتى أنهي صداقتنا، فأصبحت ألوم نفسي على ما كان ينتابني من أفكار ٍ شيطانية، فكرهت نفسي لشكي بمن اعتبرتها أختي…كرهت نفسي فغضضت النظر عما كانت تقول و تفعل…كنت أكبت غضبي بداخلي و لا أخبرها كم منزعجةٌ أنا منها.. اعتقادا ً مني أن شيطاني هو السبب وراء كل ما كنت أختبره من أفكار ٍ و مشاعر سلبية.

بعد عامين تقريبا ً ، و بعد شكوك ٍ راودتني معظم الوقت، انكشفت الحقائق… انكشفت الحقائق بعد ما أصبح من المستحيل أن تُخبئ أكثر.

أكاذيبها لم تعد تتماشى مع بعضها من كثرتهم، و بات من هم حولي يكشفون حقائق كانوا يعرفونها ولكنهم تجنبوا إخباري بها خوفا ً من أن يكون فعلهم هذا سبب افتراقنا فيلاموا هم على ما آلت إليه هذه الصداقة.

لم أكن أبحث عن الحقائق… الحقائق جاءت لي و اتضحت بعض الأمور فتوقفت بالشعور بالذنب لشكي بها، و طفح كيلي و صببت بغضبي المكتوم عليها… غضب ٌ كتمته لمدة عامين و لكن اختصرت وصفي لها و لما فعلته… فنعتها بالكاذبة… طبعا ً بالإضافة إلى أشياء قاسية قد قلتها.. و لكني لم أندم.. فهي تستحق ما هو أكثر من ذالك..

افترقنا و ذهبت كل واحدةٍ منا إلى طريقها.. تحسنت حالتي، و لكن مازلت في بحث دائم عن أجوبةٍ لبعض الأسئلة التي مازالت تشغل بالي و تراودني بين كل حين …

كل ٌ منا في سبيله.. و ها هي اليوم ابتكرت قصة جديدة لجذب عيون الناس و اهتمامهم لها… مدعية ً أنها تغيرت و أصبحت إنسانة أفضل بكثير مما كانت عليه سابقا ً… و ها هم الناس يصدقونها و ينخدعون بجمالها الذي لا طالما استخدمته كوسيلة للفت الأنظار إليها… و لأكون صادقة ، أنا أيضا ً خُدعت بجمالها و ما صاحبه من تصرفات ً اعتبرتها مهذبة، و لكن كان كله كذب… كلُ شيئ ٍ كان زائفا ً..

دعم الناس و مدحهم لها مستمرٌ نتيجة انخداعهم بالأقوال و المظاهر الخارجية، و لكن ما يحيرني هو سؤالٌ واحد : هل وصلت السذاجة لدى الناس إلى حد ٍ يمنعهم من محاولة رؤية ما ورآء الستار؟…….. ألا يرون أنه من غير المنطقي أن يتمتع إنسان ٌ بكمال ٍ يدّعيه بمظهر أو بقول ٍ أو بفعل ٍ غيرُ مباشر؟ ألا يشعرون بأن هنالك خطب ٌ ما؟ ألهذه الدرجة أصبحت عقولوهم تفكر بسطحية ٍ مطلقة؟

للأسف الشديد هذا ما آل إليه الحال في جيلنا و نتيجة لذالك رُفع شأن و قدر من هو جديرٌ أن ينحط قيمته لدى الناس، و من يستحقون ما حصلت عليه كاتبتنا من مدح ٍ و إعلاءٍ للشأن ضُرب بهم عرض الحائط و بعضهم لم يُعترف بوجودهم فأصبحوا نكرة.

كم كن المؤسف أن نرى من يسلكون الطرق الخاطئة يحققون النجاح و الشهرة بينما من لا يمشون سوى على طريق الصواب يُنكر وجودهم و لا يتم البحث عنهم لتقديرهم.

هذا ما آل إليه مجتمعما من حال…و نتيجة ً لوضعنا هذا… كاذبة أصبحت كاتبة….

RJ007

خاطرة

     ما زال الأمر غامضاً……و هذا الغموض زادني فضولاً…,  والفضول زادني جنوناً…لم أعد أتألم كالسابق، و لكن الألم مازال موجوداً، مواقف صغيرة و حتى بعض الكلمات تذكرني بالجرح العميق الذي خلفه قدري في قلبي ، و لكن هل ليَّ تغيير القدر ؟ هل لي معرفة ما يخبأ ُه لي من جروح ٍ عميقة ؟ … لا، هذا غير ممكن؛ لذا ، وجِب عليَّ تقبل الأمر و الانتظار بفارغ الصبر لمعرفة ما ينتظرني في المستقبل القريب.

     حالتي لم تسوء، و لكنها لم تتحسن أيضاً…أعيش في فترة التغيرات الجذرية في جميع مجالات حياتي…الوضع غير مستقر و هذا يزيدني ارتباكاً و خوفاً من أن المستقبل سيأتي بما لا تشتهيهُ نفسي…الخوف طيَّر النوم من عيني، و باتت عينايَّ منبع سيول الدموع..ماءٌ مالحٌ لا يستساغ..ماءٌ مالحٌ لا يسيل سوى في الليالي الظلماء، و في الصباح يختبئُ حتى ياتي الليلُ فيفيض…منبعٌ ينتظر ابتعاد الناس عنه حتى إن سال سال بعيداً عن أعينهم التي لا تود الرأفة على منبع ٍ لا يضخ سوى ماء ٍ مالح ٍ لا يحتمل طعمه؛ فالناس لا تود أن ترى سوى ما يتسببٌ بتمدد أطراف شِفاههم و انطلاق القهقهات الصادرة من حناجرهم…هذا ما يفعله من هم من دمي و لحمي، فكيف هم من لا يعرفون سوى اسمي…..

 RJ007

Irony

It is very ironic how we find happiness in little things even if we were in a big crisis….That’s what I realized yesterday when one of my prayers was “Partially” answered and I am waiting for the rest of it to become true.

During the course of our lives, we go through ups and downs, and no one is excluded from that fact, you can’t run away from it, it will chase and find you no matter who you are.

I myself am going through some “Downs”, and that has been the case for over a year….it sounds so miserable and frustrating, to the extent that at certain points I wished I were dead;  because to me the idea of “no longer existing” seemed to be the best way not to experience those unpleasant events of “Downs”, however, due to my knowledge that “ there’s an up for every down” I realized how lucky I am to be alive, and now am impatiently waiting for the great upcoming events brought to me by the “Ups” that life promised I would experience one day. 

Though am sure that life would keep its promise, however, I find myself puzzled with tens of questions about the “Whens” and “Hows” of the promised “Victory” that comes with the “Ups”….I start asking ; For how long I’ll keep going through downs and finally reach to the Ups? When will I hit the “Rock bottom”? Is it going to be too harsh? Am I going to cope with it? Are the “Ups” going to be pleasant enough to make it up for what I have suffered during the “Down” period of my life?…..etc.

 Time passes by and unpleasant events keep happening to you, tension rises, disappointment and lack of hope seem to be your only two companions in this journey, tears are shed every now and then, support is searched for, friends and family are consulted, a helping hand is required, the sense of security is desired, shocks and surprises dazzle you, speechless becomes your status, smiles and laughs are faked, questions rule your brain, emotions control your heart,  days feel longer and endless, time doesn’t seem to pass, loneliness is what you feel even if surrounded by tens of people,  happiness seems unreachable, tomorrow is not thought about, surviving the day becomes your daily challenge, painful and probably forgotten memories are remembered, the value of the happy days and moments are more appreciated and understood, prayers are told more often, regular problems become harder to cope with, solutions are searched for, decisions become harder to make, options get limited and sometimes too many that no single option seems to be the best, complains become infinite, blessing are all forgotten about, others do not concern you, life seems unfair to you, others and their problems are not seen by you, the entire universe seems to rebel against you and only you, changes occur, mostly unpleasant ones, undesired alternatives merge but you go with for you to have no other option, the smallest things drive you crazy, little issues are exaggerated, peace of mind is needed but not found…..Among all these, there comes a moment when only one pleasant event takes place, one prayer being answered, and in a very surprising and extremely quick way, that frown on your face turns into a smile, and for a few minutes, if not for the whole day, all those emotions and changes brought by the “Downs” in your life just vanish away, for them you feel exist no more or were not there in the first place…..I find it quit ironic how that “One” answered prayer made all my pain and misery fade away within a fraction of a second….obviously it’s not about the size, it’s about the strength of the impact that made the light of hope shine again in my life, and brought back that smile I myself haven’t seen in a long time…

Despite of what I am going through, I can positively say the following “ I AM HAPPY” followed by a smile that is the result of the peace of my mind…. I feel fresh and new as if I was just born.

If I haven’t experienced this event yesterday I wouldn’t be sharing with you a lesson I have learned and an advice I would like to give…….. Search for your happiness because you will surely find it somewhere and somehow, don’t be deceived by the magnitude of events or the negative energy you are surrounded with, even bad things have a bit of good in them, only if you believe so, and always remember, it is not about the size, it’s about the strength of impact…

 

RJ007

10 ways to “Happiness”

It is part of “human’s” nature to seek what we call “happiness”. Every action we take, every word we say, is a result of “us” wanting to obtain “happiness”. During my short life, I have learned that obtaining happiness could be so easy, but sometimes it could seem impossible. Whether it is impossible or “a piece of cake” it all depends on how you see it or want to see it. If I were to define “what is happiness”, I would say that no words could describe it the best. It is a funny feeling; it tickles all your emotions, and brings peace to your mind and soul. I happen to be one of those who would see happiness as “impossible”, or at least I was, but over the past few years I came to realize that “I” can be “happy” too, just few techniques could turn that frown on my face to a wonderful smile. I might be right and I might be wrong, but I will list some ways to happiness that I have learned over that past few years hoping that those “ways” could at least put a smile on your faces.

1. Ignore people:

Satisfying “humans” is a hopeless case. Ignore their opinions and comments for a while ; because no matter what you do, and no matter how you hard you try, they will never ever be 100% satisfied with whatever you do in your life time. To make sure no one uses this method in a wrong way, I would like to tell you the following; you as a grown up should know when to ignore and when not to, because you might ignore their opinions and comments, however, you can’t deny their existence. You “at the right time” should consider certain factors before taking an action or saying a word such as culture, religion, and society, after all, you don’t want to hurt someone by your ignorance!!

2. Just be yourself:

“Just be yourself, because everyone else is taken”. Do not fake who you are, if you are a fun person, keep on being fun, if you are a quite one, keep on being one, don’t fake characteristics that don’t resemble you to impress others. If you think you are good, then be proud of what you are and how you look, talk, walk, and dress up. Don’t be something that is not you, because eventually you will feel lost and you would no longer be able to tell who you really are, and I guarantee you, being lost is not an amusing feeling.

3. Be honest, true, and transparent:

Don’t lie to others, don’t keep your feelings towards them hidden in your heart, don’t say something behind someone else and say the other in front of her/him. Always tell the truth even if it might cost you something, simply because “the truth shall set you free”. Telling the truth might cost you winning the first prize in some competition, but when it costs you the loss of someone you love, here you start asking yourself “is it worth telling the truth?”…. Well the answer is YES. Suppose one day you decided to be honest with your friend and tell her/him that you don’t like that fact that she/he is bossy…well..Pause for a second, because here comes the most important part….. it is important when you tell someone how you feel about them to use the appropriate words, body language, environment, situation, and timing. If you don’t want to lose your beloved one, consider those factors. Telling the truth about a lie that you have said or an exam that you have cheated on will not be an easy task but….it just feels great when you sleep at night with a clear conscience.

4. Be grateful:

Look around you, and put yourself in someone’s shoe. Look at those who have way worse conditions than you do. When your dad refuses to buy you the car you “Really, really” want, think of someone who’s both legs are amputated and the only way for him to reach his destination is an old wheelchair that he was barely able to afford. Now compare yourself to this person, can’t you already see all the blessings that you have around but you never appreciate them? Don’t you already feel grateful for being alive at this moment reading this very post?? Just by looking at ourselves in the mirror we should be more than grateful for every single thing we have even if they were almost invisible to us.

5. Treat people as you like to be treated:

If you like to be respected, then respect others, if you like to be listened to, then listen to others. When you treat people they way you like them to treat you, all you will do are good deeds, simply because you like to be treated good.

6. Find your purpose:

This could be the hardest thing to do, especially for people in our ages. Finding out “what do you live for” is not an easy task, however, you should ask yourself that question one day and you should seek for the answers within you. Having a sense of purpose in life will guide you to do right in every step you take.

7. Love and be loved:

It is such a wonderful feeling when your heart pumps fast when you see a certain person, this gives you a reason to wanting to live….you want to live for those who you love because they mean a lot to you.. Just loving someone is not enough; you also need to be loved to feel your value in life, and the way to others hearts are your deeds of course. Just be good, and people will love you for sure.

8. Unleash your anger:

When you’re mad at your instructor don’t go and shout out at your friend as a way of unleashing your anger…that is certainly not the appropriate way even if you have a very understanding friend. When you are mad don’t keep your anger locked in you, if you kept on doing that, you will develop some negative behaviors on the long run. So what is the best way to unleash your anger?? The answer is easy…..find yourself a hobby that calms you down such as painting, writing, or listening to music maybe, for some people they might tend to kick some of those bags that boxers use to practice boxing, some might calm down by jumping. Just find the best way that relaxes you, a way that will help you unleash your anger on emotionless and soulless objects, but not humans.

9. Fake a smile:

I know that previously I have criticized faking; however, this one is an exception. Fake a smile no matter what you are going through. Fake a smile not to deceive people and give them the impression that you are happy, yet do it for yourself. When you are in a terrible mood because let’s say you had a fight with someone, just put on a smile even if you don’t want to, even if it was so hard for you to do so, because that smile you fake will help you pass through that negative feeling easily even if you don’t realize that, because that smile, that positive attitude will give a message to your brain that “everything is just fine!!”.

10. Be immortal:

There’s no doubt that we all will go back to dust we are walking on now, but yet, you still can be immortal. When you still have the blessing of “life” contribute to the society and leave an unforgettable trace behind you, a good deed, or a good word you once did or said, will make people always remember, value, and respect you. A good deed, a good word will make you memorable, and therefore happy, either in this life or the other one later on.

Happiness is not everyone’s right, think of those men killing hundreds of innocent children every week; do you think they deserve to be happy?? Well, I doubt it. If you think you deserve happiness, then be happy, after all it you who you are living for, if you didn’t make yourself happy, no one else will no matter how hard they try….it’s you who can bring happiness to the remaining of your life.

Enjoy it!

RJ007

How hard could it possibly be to confess??

Have you ever paused for a minute to ask yourself the following question: Shall I confess?? Or shall I keep it to myself?  I bet you all did at a certain point in your lives, but how hard could it possibly be to answer that question, or basically how hard could it be to take the action of CONFESSION?

Confessing means “reveling the truth”, reviling the truth as they say “shall set you free”. Regardless of how pleasant, motivating, and positive this expression sounds, sometimes it gets so hard to take the action of confession…….

I too have a confession to make, but fear is holding me back……fear of the consequences of telling the truth to the person who should hear it from me and no one else…… Due to my fear am keeping the truth, but there’s a voice inside my head telling me that not reviling the truth will only make it harder for me to cope with it as I won’t get the chance to see what is going to happen if I actually confessed….. So I reached a point where I had enough, I just wanted to say it out loud, not caring about anything but to get the burden of off my chest, and that voice in my head is shouting out loud and giving me the courage to set myself free, when there was a moment in which I only heard that voice a louder voice made me pause for a second, a voice that made me pause for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, and another year……..yes my dear friends, I was so close to let it out but that voice, the loud voice of FEAR pulled me back again, and here I am now, writing while am still living an internal conflict whether to confess or not, and I began asking myself again: “ What if I confessed? What’s after that?” and the answer came none!!!

You might read this and next thing you do is writing a comment saying “just do it!!” but it is not as easy as you might assume……because once the words come out of your mouth, there’s no way to take them back and all you have to do is to bare with the consequences brought by that courage you had for a fraction of a second and decided to set yourself free. So the question that arises here is: “Is it worth confessing? Or should I remain puzzled for the rest of my life for not giving it a shot??”

If you ever found an answer then congratulations, you are no longer a prisoner of “Question”, you are simply a “FREE” soul.