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My office decoration. Reflects my inside :p

 

I’m back to life. Technically, I was never in life. I mean I was in life. The only time I time I was in life is when I was in university and I was actually enjoying life through a world of unspeakable pleasures: good theoretical literature and good company. But that ended as soon as it started. Now, I’m in the sidewalk with many other people looking at the cars (specifically at the Bentleys , the Mercedes,  the Maseratis …etc) pass by and walking slower than a snail.

Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a sad post. In order to write a sad post you’d have to be sad but I’m immune to what’s going on. I’m beginning to accept life as it is. A slow pace of misfortunes and no can do(s). I understood that your dreams can not be fulfilled unless you have a fortune cookie with your name written in it when it’s cracked or for a better luck, have your name with a hundred titles before it.

Oh, well. Meh.

So, currently I have a desk governmental job. I am an Academic Advisor…tsk tsk. Usually, I finish work at the early  and then I just sit wait if someone comes to ask me stuff or to finish paperwork and so on (bureaucratic shit basically) and I catch up on reading or (starting now) catch up with blogging. It’s an okay job. It pays and gives you a sense of liberation (somehow… like in a superficial sense) but that is. I made quite a good company here. A girl who I knew from uni but did not create a bound with her until now. She is sweet and she is amazing. Shout out to you Munira!!

I’m still trying on life. I’m not giving up but this time it’s on a slower pace and with very little to zero hope in the process of “happening”.

What else?

Oh yeah! notice something? I ditched “Esperanza Writes” I think by now I’ve grown out of it and I need something that attaches my “I” into it, hence, “Norawithletters” just like my Instagram . My name now exists in the realm of my blogging zone! Yaaay?

On an end note, be safe. Life is what life is meant to be. الحمدالله على كل حال.

Screwed and beyond

-Nora

Consumption

For the past couple of years I’ve had developed this weird habit of collecting receipts. It is not that I had planned it, it just happened like this. You know how you find a pile of receipts gathered in your wallet or purse? Well, I just happened to reposition those into a drawer of mine until it became a habit.

I always knew subconsciously that I would do some kind of art project with it I just didn’t know what.

In our “Globalization and Global culture” class we took a novel called “The Committee” by an Egyptian writer called Sun’Allah Ibrahim. We immediately fell in love with the story. It is so powerful in an agonizing way. His kafkaesque style is very grabbling and mind blowing.

With no spoilers here: the story speaks about a globalized arab world in which it is controlled by a force to consume. The story specifically strikes you by it very closing line:

Then I lifted my wounded arm to my mouth and began to consume myself

In class we have argued the translation of the world “Akalt” into consume. Where the translation we’ve read says “consume” another translation says “eat”. My doctor said that “eat” makes more sense but I have arguably made my statement that “consume” is more powerful and meaningful. When one consume it ticks every sense of disposing, and usually it ends with waste of the act consume. But that is only my opinion you can always beg to differ with your opinion.

With that amazing class we came, my friends and I, to discuss my collection of receipts and what kind of art project should I do with them. They suggested that I should connect it to “The Committee”. I loved the idea that I wanted to apply it to the closing line of the book.

Since then I left the idea on the shelf. Until one day I listened to Bastille’s “Pompeii” song and I thought it had so much relevance to the idea. Especially with the verses:

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love

With that I got enthusiastic and decided to do it right away.

With that I might as well say: Enjoy the video!

-Esperanza Writes

P.S: Excuse my pajamas :p :’D

Loop-fide

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My graduate self

I remember when I was excited about everything and anything. I remember when I would be enthusiastic about a sparkle in my head. I use to be a lot of things. This did not go entirely away, but must I say that in some parts it did evolve, became a better version, more knowledgeable and enlightened. But in other parts it just died.

A quick recap. I graduated. I am officially a KU graduate majoring in English Literature and minoring in Comparative Literature. At this point my occupation in this world is the girl behind the screen. Stays up all night and watches 

Continue reading Loop-fide

Bear My Thoughts (Pun Intended)

I have disappeared the past couple of months into a vacuum. However, I have not disappeared because of nothing but because all my energy has been focused on writing essays for my subjects on a weekly basis and whenever I got free time I would prefer spending it with putting my brains on a snooze mode.

Here, I am finally free (technically I was free a week ago) and I am in a holiday. It has been hectic trying to pull in everything I missed on out since the semester has started and doing the things that I love. Like watching movies where during the course I have alternated it with YouTube videos just to spare the time- because I could not just simply sit down and watch a movie for a period of time (even though I did it on rare basis). Reading, I miss reading outside materials that does not involve anything related to college, every time I attempt to pick a book a find myself not having time to read it and read college material- or feeling guilty that I am not reading the “suppose to read” stuff on the price of “self enjoyment” material. Add to that, writing outside stuff like writing this post- or simply just pouring my thoughts without thinking twice about what I should be or should not be writing and how “formal” the essay should be. Or that it should be flawless of grammatical errors (which will you be seeing a lot in this blog because I do not revise twice upon the post I have written- it is informal and I’m free to speak hence, no grading) just to be to the point and valid with the points I’m stating. It is kind of frustrating at times especially when each doctor had his/her own way of approving which is a good essay and which is not.

Lastly, hibernating- yes like a bear.

Continue reading Bear My Thoughts (Pun Intended)

Push the Buttons

It has been a while I know, but what can I say? College? Loads of papers and essays? stress over stress? Never mind that. However, do mind that I came to write here today for a reason. Yet the reason will remain until the latter. I’m not sure if the theory that I’m going to mention in a bit have came around in your life but the concept sure will sound familiar (although I’m pretty sure the way I’m going to explain it is somehow different).

You know when you are waiting for an elevator, you standing on the ground floor and the elevator is on the thirty second perhaps and you are pushing the buttons. Pushing, and anticipating it coming, and waiting and waiting for it to come but it so taking a damn long time. It is stopping on every floor and you are waiting. You wish you could go up the stairs but by the time you will get to the floor you are aiming for you will be out of breathe. So, you wait– impatiently-  you keep pushing and pushing the buttons, both those going up and down, as if by doing that you are making it come faster. And then when it finally arrives, it opens in a fast speed and people crammed inside just get out and semi-step on your feet and semi-trips you and by the time the people are all gone you manage to stand right outside the elevator and you see it’s empty from the inside. While, you lift your foot to step inside, the elevator closes and it goes up without waiting for you. Just like that it shunned you.

That elevator is that bottled up person, filled with all those emotions and you are the one who just keep pushing the buttons. The person is filled and filled, it exploded and now it is empty. The feelings turned out from everything to nothingness.

It hurts to be this person. So lost. So filled. So bottled. and So empty. Yet, no matter how you shun that person out of the elevator, that person will keep pushing the buttons until it is allowed. Because that person finds life more beautiful, easier, better with the elevator. And no matter what you do that person will be waiting until you give in and allow that person to be in. Me into your heart. No matter what you will do and how much you are through I will not leave you. No life is good without you.

I will keep nagging and nagging and pushing your buttons no matter how you try to shun me out of your emptiness.

Because a lot of things. Because you made me write this post for you which means you are dear. Because life is bitter without the sweet, which is you. Because I love you.

I do not know what is wrong, but allow me to listen.

Many loves,

Esperanza Writes

 

Esperanza and Summer Course

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I admit it has been a while since I wrote anything. Hell, I don’t even remember when was the last time and what did I write about. I would have to check in order to remember. All I can recall is that I was complaining to my friend when i just had started summer course about how I wasn’t writing as I would like to. Anyway I wasn’t away and that means I am not back. I was just in a hold mood until I was done from summer course.
Speaking of summer course I feel the need to elaborate on this subject a bit. You see this is my first time to ever take a summer course and as it is I never expected myself to be this lazy I mean, aside from not writing, I really had gotten lazy. It is like the almost five days between the ending of the second semester and the starting of summer course was not the tad bit enough to regenerate my brain cells. I just attend the three subjects I’ve taken, try as much as I can to concentrate, think I understand something, and go home not doing anything as if the classes I attended didn’t happen. And then I just ended up the course with grades I am not that satisfied with. Thinking of it now I came up with a few conclusions why did I become that lazy person in this course:
1. It’s summer hence it is very very very very very hot, that it stopped my brain cells from working the way it should work properly. I’m sweating bad more like a guy (and in a not cool gym way but the disgusting you don’t want to speak of way. TMI I know!!) The heat makes me think all the day of going home and classes from 9:00 am to 2:00 pm is a long run from going home. (Did I say VERY hot?)
2. Due to the fact that becoming an semi- A student did not happen until I became deeply involved with literature it made sense that I was not interested in the mandatory but awful subjects that did not include any sort of literature. I preferred to leave the literature subjects for the long courses so I could enjoy my classes to the max. ( A literature nerd you say?)
3. I know that I have mentioned before ( here) that I hate vacations and I still do. But it turned out (and I mentioned that as well) that five days is not a vacation or a breather. I needed two weeks at least to reboot myself.
4. Subjects I took were lame. Extremely lame. One was Kuwait history (that I repeated) and the other one even though it is in the English field but it’s the linguistics side and I just … hate linguistics. Why should a literature student take five courses in that field? .. meh.
Even though I when I was done from summer course I said that I wouldn’t be taking it again because the lack of effort I gave I figured out that I will be taking it again and here is why:
1. When calculated how many subjects I had left it turned out with a summer course and a year and a course (that is 3 courses and a summer course) I would be graduating not this year but next year the first half. I can’t believe I’m this close I thought I still had two years. But because I’m planning to take twelve subjects this year ( that is six subjects per course), three in the summer course, and seven in the remaining course this is manageable. I wasn’t even aware of that!!! Yes I know this a lot of stress but I know I could do it (inshAllah) plus I need to graduate first half of the year so I could complete my masters the next year. Turns out for masters if you graduate the first half the following September you could complete but if you graduate the second half you have to wait for the next year to join (weird I know). So yeah if I want my plan to go well I have to take a summer course.
2. See what I said about vacations? Well yeah a three months vacation is a lot for me that is when I hate vacation. At least I made something useful with my life (even though it is not that useful) instead of sitting at home.
For now I am enjoying my Ramadan and what is remaining from my vacation until next course. I will beginning with my new minor (Comparative Literature) which by the way I’m from the very first students who is minoring in this field in Kuwait University (YAAAY!! I’m excited). It is going to be a course loaded with literature subjects (four literature, one linguistics :(, and one philosophy). Let us see how things go on the way inshAllah all to the best.
I feel like shouting another YAAY for finally writing something YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

-Esperanza Writes