Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 8 “Fever” part 1

Without further explanations if it is your first time and you haven’t read the previous chapters here is the link otherwise enjoy!

The robe that’s in the story

Because fever means a lot -Esperanzish Proverb

The next day I woke up realizing that they will transfer me into a governmental hospital. Despite that I told them to do whatever they wanted to do and decide, I panicked. What if they put me in a bed with other other beds and patients? What if everyone will be watching me, passing by me in this sick bed being looked at publicly? I did not want that! I did not want to be exposed to the public for nearly a week! I do not want to deal with other people that I do not know! I do not want to deal with public bathrooms that are not cleaned well! I knew that sounded shallow and pathetic because others who were brought up into a poor situation cannot have the choice to pick, but on the other hand I had the privilege and I could avoid it.  I do apologize for those who will be offended by my words but if you were given the choice what will you take?

I told my mother that I do not want to go maybe it will be better if I stayed here. However, she said everything will be fine and I would be transferred. I was put in a stretcher and into the ambulance I went with three drains attached to my stomach. My very first ambulance ride. I was scared and I feared the ride from falling every minute. It was bumpy and uncomfortable. I could feel the eyes on me all the time. And I was too tired and sleepy, from the after surgery fever and pain.

We arrived, my mom and I, at the hospital and thanks to Allah then the nepotism my Doctor went through we got a private room. Not that clean but still it is private  and that equals all.

I was admitted into the room and transferred from the stretcher to the bed. Being half asleep I did not realize that an X-ray machine was brought into the room. I did not realize that a doctor was in while I was not wearing my hijab well. I did not realize that the firm hands that pulled me up for metallic X-ray piece to be put under my back was my no other than my brother’s. Until the X-ray was over and I was back to sleep.

Days passed as I tried hard to recover. Walking myself back and forth in this little room, making sure that the pain does not make a habit of staying. Fever slowly starts to go away and I start nagging to get the drains pulled out of my organs. And it happened, after a week I got to go home, start eating again and be a happy girl because I got over this with Allah’s help.

However this did not last long. Fever came back again.

[to be continued]

Esperanza Writes

Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 7 “The Downfall”

It is been almost two months since I’ve written anything regarding this story and I’m not really sure if anyone out there is looking forward to the next chapters, except one lovely girl called “Abrar” she is one of my reasons for me to keep writing I haven’t actually thanked her that much thank you girl you are an inspiration by yourself I love you even though I never met you, thanks for believing in me.

For those who stopped in just now and by some coincidence know that such a blog exists I will give you a brief explanation of this story I’m writing. This story is true, it happened to me and for some reason or another I’m writing it here to read previous chapters it is in this page  I really advice you to go read those chapters first before you read this, don’t spoil it for you chapters are there for a reason :).

Now to why I didn’t write anything since two months well, I’ve been procrastinating because for some reason or another I know it is hard to dig up all those memories and once I do my heart aches and my brain keeps shutting and telling me to do something else. But here I am again into writing this sorry if it is short but this is the transition chapter please bare with me… So here you go with Chapter Seven “The Downfall”

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People need hard times and oppression to develop psychic muscles.
Emily Dickinson

The moment when you come to life you have expectations, first a drink of milk to keep you full but then they develop like never before. You expect everything the good and the bad along the way. You look for signs to what to expect, if the day is doing you good you expect good and if you don’t get a smiling day you expect bad. No matter how things go we all expect. No matter how many times we tell ourselves to not expect it will only hurt us for the most probably we cannot help ourselves but expect.

I expected. I expected a good life. I expected to be better but what I did not expect was this. Me in the hospital while I thought I would not have to visit it again. Me being told that I was not well that I needed an immediate surgery to fix the ripped parts inside in me. But I was too tired to argue. So much in pain to consider what is going on. I had enough pain to want it to be over with. I rolled over in the bed waiting and hearing my mother and the doctor talking trying to ease the pain inside me. This will be over soon.

My doctor is a military doctor or something he was telling my mom that after the surgery he could move me to the hospital he is working in, since we were in a private hospital, and I could be under his direct supervision. I replied with I do not really care and that they should decide not me. He proceeded saying that he will try to maintain the same wounds and not create new ones but he might cut my stomach all the way if it was complicated and that I might lose some blood which means I need a donor even though my blood type was hard to find for I was lucky to have my brother with the same blood type (O-).

Nodding our heads we surrender not having power to change it, leaving it to the hands of the Almighty Allah.

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I wake up to a certain Déjà vu I’m again in the hospital and it is night where I just got out of the operation room. Except this time the ache is much bigger to make it a repeated scene. It was not a Déjà vu it was living the same things again. And when the feeling was more than I anticipated I knew I just had to ask to confirm “Did they cut all the way in my stomach.”

“Um.. Yes but you will be alright.”

And I drift into sleep hoping that when I wake up everything will be over even though I knew that I needed time but still there is Hope  Right?

Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 6 “Just a Pill” part2

The actual other half of the pill

 Don’t underestimate the power of a Pill. -Esperanzish Proverb

I had dreams that I can’t remember, probably nightmares I don’t really remember.What I actually remember is my sleep being disturbed by faint voices something like “Esperanza wake up” I barely opened my eyes to see a blur vision of someone probably a nurse I’m not sure. “Esperanza wake up .. it’s over!” What’s over? Oh yes the surgery I’m done with it. What a relief, but why am I shivering? It’s so cold here my teeth are chattering. I’m being lifted to the stretcher. They move me to my room I see my dad, mom, siblings, and aunts? Why are my aunts here? It’s the first time they come to a surgery of mines. Usually they come on later on. I can’t speak a word the pain.. oh the pain of the surgery I can feel it! The cold temperature makes me shiver more. The sweet warm hand of my father is placed on my forehead and he starts to recite the Quran … the chattering is reduced slowly. Meanwhile I look around, the room’s lights are all nearly out is it dark already? Is it night already? Yes it is night! My dad finishes his recitations, kisses my forehead and indicated that they should all leave so I could rest. They go except for my mom who will be sleeping by my side on the couch and my aunt. I could hear them talk about how I took a long time in the operation room. Five hours that is. Something about it being one of the difficult surgeries. How they took time entwining my intestines they were stuck to each other. “It’s because of the me throwing up so much” I think. They ask why my face is blue.. was I that cold? No it’s just a dye they made me drink to make sure everything passed out fine. My aunt comes to me and joke “Your make up is horrible” I smile then I say “I haven’t prayed I need to pray.” I pray while lying down, she said her goodbyes and I am left with my mom. I’m too tired I need to sleep.

Continue reading Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 6 “Just a Pill” part2

Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 6 “Just a Pill” part1

The actual other half of the pill in the story
The actual dress in the story

Don’t underestimate the power of a Pill – Esperanzish Proverb

Once the decision was made I felt the relief that everything will turn out okay for once. I grew comfortable with my decision not only that put I grew anxious for that day to come. In the spring break my life will change. I bought a dress that fits a mannequin so I could wear it once I lose my weight, a opptimistic view in me, I was enthusiastic about the whole thing.

Continue reading Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 6 “Just a Pill” part1

Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 5 “One Last Try”

 To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

Year 2009 was a great year to me. It was my final year of high school before graduation before me going to a whole new world of College. This may sound bizarre maybe over sensitive but you must know (and I remember that I mentioned this before) that I’m an over sensitive girl and if there is one thing that I worship is loyalty.

You see through eight years, middle and high school, I’ve known the same girls as naturally as a privite schools in Kuwait. We graduated on the June of 2009, sixteen girls only each having a future ahead of her. We loved each other but we cannot stay in the same place each had her own dream and I had my own, but it hurt me to leave them … it hurt me too much that I made an oath to not make a new relationships. I don’t want anything that would hurt me more.

Continue reading Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 5 “One Last Try”

Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 4 “Endless Tries”

The best gift you could give anyone is Acceptance. -Esperanzish Proverb

“Let us do a diet. All of us” my mom would say. I was about ten at that time and so my mother, my sister, and I would go the nutrition and one by one would be given instructions. When it was my turn the doctor would say “Why are you like this?!” in a scolding manner, I didn’t like him, I pouted my lips, tears willed up in my eyes and I looked ahead, beyond him not wanting to give into embarrassing sobs. “I hated doctors” I thought. “Aren’t we paying him? Why is he shouting at me? Why doesn’t he have better manners?” My thoughts trailed more and more I stayed quite, I didn’t want my tears to betray me. So I waited for him to write down my eating schedule to be started the next day. I was given the usual diet: No more than a half of a bread, no oily stuff no fried ingredients, and a lot of NOs add to that a bunch of salads. On the bright side I was given a small portion of chocolates to that.

Continue reading Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 4 “Endless Tries”

Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 3 “Not Your Typical Girl Next Door”

Aside from being fat, which I think by now you are getting the full picture about my struggles being fat, I wasn’t your typical girl you would see next door. You see my interests are different from any um.. “girl”.

The thing with girls like me in this society is that we struggle because we are different. Different as in how we present ourselves and our interests as I said before. people think if you are a girl and not interested in girls’ stuff if you don’t like makeup, if you don’t like shopping, if you fail into trying to fit in then there must be something wrong with you. You are probably “gay’, and yes a lot of which have questioned my feminism, not because I didn’t look like a girl (which I could assure you I looked like a girl and nevertheless I didn’t act like a boy) but because what I’m like and don’t like contradicted what most girls are interested in. As if being different is a violation against a governmental law.They had made their desicion I need to be changed, without consulting me if I wanted to or not.

So often did they try change me. They tried to make me fit in. Is it not enough that you are fat you are different too? As shallow as this sounds but it was the ugly truth. And so often have I gave in to be honest, trying to please others and letting go of who I am but you see you can’t take the spots out of the leopard can you?

Social gatherings wasn’t my thing either. I hated how people would look at everything I come to put in my mouth, observe what I at and put notes in their minds that they will forget later on and only pointed out when they had no other thing to say “I noticed you eat this, maybe that is why you are getting fatter.” Sitting with them was an obligation. I hated it but I had to. I made mental notes to myself to be careful what to eat in front of them, better yet not eat anything at all. I did not need anymore people who judge just by my looks. I hated them, I loathed them (technically I only hate their thinking not the people themselves). Stereotypes they are. I did not talk that much. I had nothing to say I just listened to those conversation that I think of as trifling.

-Esperanza Writes