Push the Buttons

It has been a while I know, but what can I say? College? Loads of papers and essays? stress over stress? Never mind that. However, do mind that I came to write here today for a reason. Yet the reason will remain until the latter. I’m not sure if the theory that I’m going to mention in a bit have came around in your life but the concept sure will sound familiar (although I’m pretty sure the way I’m going to explain it is somehow different).

You know when you are waiting for an elevator, you standing on the ground floor and the elevator is on the thirty second perhaps and you are pushing the buttons. Pushing, and anticipating it coming, and waiting and waiting for it to come but it so taking a damn long time. It is stopping on every floor and you are waiting. You wish you could go up the stairs but by the time you will get to the floor you are aiming for you will be out of breathe. So, you wait– impatiently-  you keep pushing and pushing the buttons, both those going up and down, as if by doing that you are making it come faster. And then when it finally arrives, it opens in a fast speed and people crammed inside just get out and semi-step on your feet and semi-trips you and by the time the people are all gone you manage to stand right outside the elevator and you see it’s empty from the inside. While, you lift your foot to step inside, the elevator closes and it goes up without waiting for you. Just like that it shunned you.

That elevator is that bottled up person, filled with all those emotions and you are the one who just keep pushing the buttons. The person is filled and filled, it exploded and now it is empty. The feelings turned out from everything to nothingness.

It hurts to be this person. So lost. So filled. So bottled. and So empty. Yet, no matter how you shun that person out of the elevator, that person will keep pushing the buttons until it is allowed. Because that person finds life more beautiful, easier, better with the elevator. And no matter what you do that person will be waiting until you give in and allow that person to be in. Me into your heart. No matter what you will do and how much you are through I will not leave you. No life is good without you.

I will keep nagging and nagging and pushing your buttons no matter how you try to shun me out of your emptiness.

Because a lot of things. Because you made me write this post for you which means you are dear. Because life is bitter without the sweet, which is you. Because I love you.

I do not know what is wrong, but allow me to listen.

Many loves,

Esperanza Writes

 

Dear You,

Dear You,

I have been hesitating whether to write this letter or not. Words unsaid is better than words said in a way, where there is no faults to retrieve or to apologize for.  It is easier to be safe but within all this being safe does not keep you going forward. I write this letter with indifferent matter to being objective. In the case of you I could never be objective I only could be a part of the whole thing and that is a fact rather than opinion.

Allow me to share with you what I wrote in my previous letter, just a small part of it:

I’m not sure if I should write this letter to someone specific or not. I’m not even sure what to write about.

During the past weeks my heart experienced some new kind of reluctant emotions. It grew  weaker than stronger, then weaker, then stronger. Much confused of its choice. Things are undecided and a coward soul comes in. I’m not making sense am I?

This is where I feel I repeat myself. I know that but how can I make sense when I’m afraid of all that is to come? How can I when all I allow myself to speak with is bunch of coded words?

Here is when I’m asking you to decode those words. It is all up to you.

I end that letter with:

Today I came across this riddle:

“I’m the part of the bird that’s not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?’

Even though the answer is simply “A shadow” to me the answer and the question means more.

With my tranquil heart,

Me

-Esperanza Writes

رفرفت حول عنقي فراشة

رفرفت حول عنقي فراشة ,

ثم رست على أذني,

و همست بكلماتٍ أسطوريه,

بلغة هليغروفيه,

قالت “سيدتي إنني أحمل رسالة,

رسالة كتبت بحروف من ماء المشاعر,

تقول: إنني مشتاق, و عذرا لاشتياقي,

عذرا أقولها بوجع, عذرا,

عذرا لأني أشتاق لرؤية شعاع وجهك,

عذرا لأني أحن لكلمة “نحن”,

عذرا لأني أحتضن ذكراك,

عذرا لأني أريد ملامسة أناملك,

عذرا… عذرا… لم أقصد الاعتذار,

لِمَ أعتذر لمشاعر تبث  من الجوف البعيد,

تحمل صدا الصارخ “مشتاق… مشتاق… مشتاق!”,

عذرا… لكنني, و أقولها بحرقةٍ, مشتاق”.”

و سكتت الفراشة, و رفرفت بعييييدا… بعيدا,

تاركة ً خلفها … رسالة.

 -أسبيرنزا رايتس

Behind The Scenes

Remember the presentation I was bound to do? ( enhance your memory right here) Well it is over now and let me tell you one thing it went great! Bizarre! (el7emdellah). My presentation went smoothly and I was , and not being full of myself here, a natural performer even for the first time doing so. However here I’m not going to go on and on about how great it went or where did I slip ‘n’ slide in some point and managed to patch things up, but I will be talking about the “behind of scenes” of this presentation. How and why this presentation was a successful, amazing experiment in my life.

After Allah of course, my friend and partner in the presentation is the huge blessing to this event. I really hope that she reads this, in fact I’ll make sure she’ll read this. This girl whom I never knew until the beginning of the first semester of this study year we had a class together, where I was sitting in alone (most probably feeling lonely as ever) and not willing to make interaction. Except this amazing girl who would sit right next to me and flash me with her smile and make small talk with me. It made a whole lot of a difference to me. This smile is what I looked forward to the beginning of the day everyday, and to tell you the truth it was “hope” to me. I really liked her but it was “I-like-that-person-but-I-do-not-know-her-too-well” thing. Throughout the semester the same procedure continued where we would sit at the front make small talk and be as nerdy as ever, well not really but I guess you’ve got the picture. Once even we attended the class where we both were the only ones in class and it turned out that the doctor canceled the class and our nerdy ears refused to hear the cancellation ;p

a picture i took when we were the only ones who attended 🙂

Anyway time flew by and the term was about to come to an end. Until some doctors suggested that I present on English Day based on my paper on Billy Budd ( see my paper here and I do apologize for its form is not quite well when I PDFed it but I guess what is important is what’s in it full_research billy budd by esperanza writes) and the same thing was for her. We coincidentally knew that both of us are submitting our papers and knowing that only one Billy Budd paper will be accepted. So we went to our doctor and took his suggestion and it was as following. They might choose one of us and they might join our paper together (they are the Doctors). We on the other hand, did not really care what would be the outcome and were fine with it and left it for the Doctors to decide.

The semester ended and a new one began. The Doctor told us that we should decide what we wanted the presentation to be, single or joint. And joint is what we went with. Except we did not know how to combine two amazing, totally different papers together into a nine minutes presentation. At that time it sounded impossible to work with. Our Doctor suggested that we make it as a “hot debate” but yet we did not know how to do it. We exchanged out research papers and we started reading what the other had in hand. We drew a line of similarities and to that differences came out. A debate sounded more likely to be it. That was in mid February and our meetings took us with almost three times a week since then. In those times we elaborated more on this presentation we added and omitted trying to manage everything. Through this time span we knew each other more and more. I knew more about her and vice versa.  I remember once in a doctor’s office where we were supposed to present a draft of what we came with she told me something with uncompleted sentence and I nodded and said OK while the doctor was looking the whole time at us and commenting with something like that ” I could see the bond between you guys. I could totally imagine you growing up being so old with grandchildren playing around your feet while you are having your tea” (something like that of course I improvised here) where I replied with a huge smile ” I think by now she knows a lot about me more than anyone in this college” and I meant it. This is how we grew to be together.

Now where we presented in a way where we are both proud to say I worked with such an amazing girl I could say that this is where we won. We won each other. I am so proud to have known such a great person. We did just great because of each other after Allah.

Here is where I come to say:

Dear RZ,

I am really honored to know such a person as you. It is a great pleasure working with you and it is not a thing I will forget. This memory will stay with me forever. And no our friendship is not ending at this however it is just had started. Knowing you is one, if not the best, of the best things that happened to me in my college life and I am not exaggerating I am being so honest here. You are a flower that blossoms and never fades. Thank you for giving me a chance to be a part of your life. For giving me a chance to be in it. Thank you and Love you. I know that words are failing me right here but this is what came out and I do apologize for the lack of expression right here, but I guess you know what I mean. 🙂

Oh and I am going to miss you by not seeing you in college!! Pre-happy Graduation!!!!! You deserve all the best wAllah!! Allah ye7aftich!

Love

E.W.


Esperanza Writes

I Want

I want you to hear me even when I’m not talking.

To hear every whisper every word untold

To feel the vibration when it is not felt

Because you, my dear, care

I want you to know that I long to talk to you

Without any words said, because you know

I want to be near, so near

even though sometimes the real distance is far

I want a single of everything to mean a lot,

a single glance, a single touch, a single thought

All means more, more and more.

I want, and what a selfish thing to say, you.

-Esperanza Writes

I Hunger Game You

Have you read the Hunger Games? Have you seen it? Well let us just set things straight okay? I just finished the book yesterday and Hunger games is amazing!!! Especially if you are a teenager and into a lovey-dovey atmosphere. However, the message it contains really really hits politics to the core. It mostly argues the issue of  Darwin’s theory “Survival for the fittest” .. which makes me sigh because I hate this and it makes the future a bit scary to me.

“The Hunger Games” reminds me so much of “The Shadow Children” books by Margret Peterson Haddix, my favorite books then and still. It also addresses the issue of future politics, where third children are illegal to existence and if a parent should have a third child that child is to be killed. Imagine! However, those children are still born but live in the shadows where  they have no identity and there existence is dangerous to themselves. So they stay in the shadows and do not get out until they find a legal identity of another dead person and takes over it but still s/he are in danger. Anyway the sixth book has a good ending that will satisfy you. They are six books in all I’ve read them all except the first one “Among the Hidden” (it is not necessary to read the first one because you eventually see a telling of the same story through the other books). They are really amazing and like I said it is no different than the Hunger Games. Except it does not contain romance as the Hunger Game does. I do not see why it did not became famous as the Hunger Games.It is for preteens-teens but it is really a good read. Any book for Margret Haddix is a good read, she is interested in future issues/ science fiction. My favorite author so far.

Anyway, back to the Hunger Games after I finished it I thought to myself “I’ve decided it is totally appropriate to say ‘I hunger Game you'” and here is what it means. When you say ‘I Hunger Game you’ it means I love you, I care about you, I think about you everyday and I will fight for you till death and that is how I show my love to you. You are so precious to me and if it means going against authority so be it. I cannot live without you. I totally Hunger Game you. So a new phrase has been born.

I Hunger Game You!!

-Esperanza Writes

Meet My Gal

Over the past few months my bestie (meaning my best friend in the whole wide world “kid style) about her being an occasional author here and so today I came to announce her being a part of this blog.

I do not know how to introduce her in the most proper way but I’ll try my best because someone like her the words fail to acknowledge her. And even though she told me to send her a copy of the introduction before I publish it I refuse it fully as I want it to be a surprise to her as it is to you, she said ok but with some rules.. e7m. She has not decided on what name should she be under but meanwhile it is “RJA007” in the meantime. Yes you do see a James Bond code in the end apparently she thinks it is cool and even though I told her that using her original name with the spelling she uses it awesome, but meh ;p. I even told her to chose a name than “Writes” after it so we could be come the “Writes sisters” (lame I know) but also no.. she is still thinking. She will be posting whenever she felt like it, what I’m saying is that she is an occasional writer when some times she will write a lot and some times not it is according to her time and mood (secretly though I think she will post more often when she is in a bad mood) so expect and don’t. For me I do not mind what does she decides as long as she is here.

Now who is RJA007?  She is the girl I met in high school, 10th grade. She was a newbie and I was a vintage student. I do not remember how we clicked but we did and ever since we became inseparable like old collocated words. She knows everything I mean EVERYTHING about me excluding the everyday boring life details.. even this she probably knows.. (Do you R?). She is my thinking mind when mines refuses to think. She is my half forever and always. She is always there for me.. I remember once calling her last semester just so I could pour my heart and shed some tears (TMI?).  I love her so much to the extinct I’m willing to marry her if I could, and this is not lesbianism talk but girl-proud-of-girl talk. Whenever we see each other we act like we did not see each other in centuries and allow ourselves at least a minute grace of hugs, and say our goodbyes in hugs as well. She is the awesome-st girl ever because of course she is my friend ;p (kidding about the because friend thing). Um.. what else. Oh yeah she is a bachelor who has a diploma degree, on her way to getting a college degree and waiting for the bling bling to come by (don’t kill me R I’m kidding ;p). And even though we chose different study paths we managed to be together for the 5th year now I guess 🙂

Surprisingly enough I just knew about her abilities to write when she sent me a file of something she wrote telling me to comment on it and show my opinion. She didn’t use to write until just now and let me say I wouldn’t allowed her to be a part of this blog. I actually begged her at first to publish her writings on my blog but she refused.. let’s hope she shows her magic now and here. I’m not sure when she will start but just in case if it is her you will know as I normally sign my posts. Not a genius thing to figure out huh?

Anyway without furthermore talk here is my beloved gal RJA007!! I love you in Allah girl!!

-Esperanza Writes