Why Write?

Do you know yourself? Do I know myself? I mean other than the usual description or knowing oneself height, weight, what we like and don’t like, how do we act, who do we like to be with.. etc. Other than that do you we know ourselves? When we go deep, deep, deep, like way deep like going deep into the ocean and I choose the word ocean not sea, even though I do not know what is the difference and I am too lazy to look up the difference, but I choose ocean because it has more letters than sea and more letters are deeper in it sense and also because it starts with an O. Oblivious also starts with an O and that is who we are when we speak about the deep, deep, deep ocean.

When you go deep, like way deep in the ocean in the darkest depth we do not know how it is. We lack knowing how it is. Because when we are down there we are too busy swimming back up to inhale the air, we can’t live without Oxygen (another O). And even if we try to back up ourselves with oxygen tanks so we could breathe underwater, we are not trained to do it so it is difficult. Even if we are trained to do it we cannot handle the pressure because down there the pressure is massive. You cannot tolerate this enough to stay a long time down there. Even though if you are trained well enough you eventually want to get out. It is so much pressure and it is not safe because the sharks and whales could hurt you.

You take the safest form there is to go down there. In a submarine. A really small one that can barely fit two. But you cannot take another person with you even though you don’t know how to work it, because it is too private to let anyone else in this deep place of yours. So you learn how to work this stupid machine and go down there. Even though it’s a dangerous state is still there, but you are willing to risk it.

You risk it so you can know what is down there. The submarine could explode any minute, and could not handle the pressure. But you risk it, you’ve got your oxygen tank to back you up so you could escape this.

I risk it because I do not know myself. Like deep, deep down there in the ocean I am oblivious to this matter. That is why I write. Writing is like going down in this submarine. I am risking it true  So I could see the beauty and ugliness that is down there. So I could see the sharks and the whales even though they are dangerous. So I could see creatures that you have never thought of seeing before and awe at it. So I could no longer be oblivious and know what is there.

Even though it is risky but it is worth it.

-Esperanza Writes

p.s.: A huge advice. Read “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green.

My Life by Me

My Life by Me

I asked my sisters to look at the drawing above and to tell me what they thought it was about. They were confused and maybe they lack the imagination element that they asked me to explain it however, I refused. Another sister said I’m probably sending a message that I am schizophrenic ;p. Anyway the following is maybe an explanation. Enjoy!

Curious, were they

about the book that I wrote

I wrote a book called “My Life”.

Curious, were they.

The Ghost who had no legs,

The Mask who had no body,

The Zombie who came out of the dirt,

and The Clown, his face undecided expression.

Curious, were they to look inside “My Life”,

Let I them look inside,

So they looked, heard, snickered, pointed, reached,

corrected my un-mistaken mistake,

Forgetting that they were with no legs, no bodies, no soul,

undecided expression and so much more.

Let I them look inside,

Them corrupt I, will not.

“My Life” is for me, them not.

-Esperanza Writes

Dear You,

Dear You,

I have been hesitating whether to write this letter or not. Words unsaid is better than words said in a way, where there is no faults to retrieve or to apologize for.  It is easier to be safe but within all this being safe does not keep you going forward. I write this letter with indifferent matter to being objective. In the case of you I could never be objective I only could be a part of the whole thing and that is a fact rather than opinion.

Allow me to share with you what I wrote in my previous letter, just a small part of it:

I’m not sure if I should write this letter to someone specific or not. I’m not even sure what to write about.

During the past weeks my heart experienced some new kind of reluctant emotions. It grew  weaker than stronger, then weaker, then stronger. Much confused of its choice. Things are undecided and a coward soul comes in. I’m not making sense am I?

This is where I feel I repeat myself. I know that but how can I make sense when I’m afraid of all that is to come? How can I when all I allow myself to speak with is bunch of coded words?

Here is when I’m asking you to decode those words. It is all up to you.

I end that letter with:

Today I came across this riddle:

“I’m the part of the bird that’s not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?’

Even though the answer is simply “A shadow” to me the answer and the question means more.

With my tranquil heart,

Me

-Esperanza Writes

Mannequin

In order to proceed with this post I have to tell you the story behind why I chose mannequin. The other day I was walking in the mall and I saw a beautiful dress on a mannequin outside a store I went inside and asked to see it. The thing is it was not that good, my comment was like this looks different not good enough as the one on the mannequin. Then I realized of course it must be good on a mannequin because it is perfect. Later that day I decided not only to write a post but sketch a mannequin to accompanies the post. However you could see I not really patient with sketching I prefer oil/acrylic over sketching, but so far the picture (above) was what I came with and it is still unfinished.

Anyway Mannequin:

Mannequin outside the store

Standing so sure, so beautiful no one can compete

Everything on you looks pretty glamorous

My heart-felt envious, if only I was you

“Mannequin!” I cried. “What fortune do you have? How lucky you are!”

“To be looked upon and be praised! To be the center of every glare!”

“If only I was you.”

“No.” Replied the Mannequin, “there is no fortune in myself.”

“There is no luck in the praise towards me.”

“For all I am is a mannequin from wood and plastic.”

“No heart to feel. No life to seek.”

“No glory to look forward to. No heart that feels neither the good nor the bad.”

“No tears to shed, no senses that work.”

“Only a good fitting for some dress.”

“A mannequin that is moved around and around with no tongue to yell ‘STOP!'”

“For the fortune is given to the soul.”

“And me, my dear, am only given clothes to be wore.”

-Esperanza Writes

Behind The Scenes

Remember the presentation I was bound to do? ( enhance your memory right here) Well it is over now and let me tell you one thing it went great! Bizarre! (el7emdellah). My presentation went smoothly and I was , and not being full of myself here, a natural performer even for the first time doing so. However here I’m not going to go on and on about how great it went or where did I slip ‘n’ slide in some point and managed to patch things up, but I will be talking about the “behind of scenes” of this presentation. How and why this presentation was a successful, amazing experiment in my life.

After Allah of course, my friend and partner in the presentation is the huge blessing to this event. I really hope that she reads this, in fact I’ll make sure she’ll read this. This girl whom I never knew until the beginning of the first semester of this study year we had a class together, where I was sitting in alone (most probably feeling lonely as ever) and not willing to make interaction. Except this amazing girl who would sit right next to me and flash me with her smile and make small talk with me. It made a whole lot of a difference to me. This smile is what I looked forward to the beginning of the day everyday, and to tell you the truth it was “hope” to me. I really liked her but it was “I-like-that-person-but-I-do-not-know-her-too-well” thing. Throughout the semester the same procedure continued where we would sit at the front make small talk and be as nerdy as ever, well not really but I guess you’ve got the picture. Once even we attended the class where we both were the only ones in class and it turned out that the doctor canceled the class and our nerdy ears refused to hear the cancellation ;p

a picture i took when we were the only ones who attended 🙂

Anyway time flew by and the term was about to come to an end. Until some doctors suggested that I present on English Day based on my paper on Billy Budd ( see my paper here and I do apologize for its form is not quite well when I PDFed it but I guess what is important is what’s in it full_research billy budd by esperanza writes) and the same thing was for her. We coincidentally knew that both of us are submitting our papers and knowing that only one Billy Budd paper will be accepted. So we went to our doctor and took his suggestion and it was as following. They might choose one of us and they might join our paper together (they are the Doctors). We on the other hand, did not really care what would be the outcome and were fine with it and left it for the Doctors to decide.

The semester ended and a new one began. The Doctor told us that we should decide what we wanted the presentation to be, single or joint. And joint is what we went with. Except we did not know how to combine two amazing, totally different papers together into a nine minutes presentation. At that time it sounded impossible to work with. Our Doctor suggested that we make it as a “hot debate” but yet we did not know how to do it. We exchanged out research papers and we started reading what the other had in hand. We drew a line of similarities and to that differences came out. A debate sounded more likely to be it. That was in mid February and our meetings took us with almost three times a week since then. In those times we elaborated more on this presentation we added and omitted trying to manage everything. Through this time span we knew each other more and more. I knew more about her and vice versa.  I remember once in a doctor’s office where we were supposed to present a draft of what we came with she told me something with uncompleted sentence and I nodded and said OK while the doctor was looking the whole time at us and commenting with something like that ” I could see the bond between you guys. I could totally imagine you growing up being so old with grandchildren playing around your feet while you are having your tea” (something like that of course I improvised here) where I replied with a huge smile ” I think by now she knows a lot about me more than anyone in this college” and I meant it. This is how we grew to be together.

Now where we presented in a way where we are both proud to say I worked with such an amazing girl I could say that this is where we won. We won each other. I am so proud to have known such a great person. We did just great because of each other after Allah.

Here is where I come to say:

Dear RZ,

I am really honored to know such a person as you. It is a great pleasure working with you and it is not a thing I will forget. This memory will stay with me forever. And no our friendship is not ending at this however it is just had started. Knowing you is one, if not the best, of the best things that happened to me in my college life and I am not exaggerating I am being so honest here. You are a flower that blossoms and never fades. Thank you for giving me a chance to be a part of your life. For giving me a chance to be in it. Thank you and Love you. I know that words are failing me right here but this is what came out and I do apologize for the lack of expression right here, but I guess you know what I mean. 🙂

Oh and I am going to miss you by not seeing you in college!! Pre-happy Graduation!!!!! You deserve all the best wAllah!! Allah ye7aftich!

Love

E.W.


Esperanza Writes

[Past Post] The Path that Never Ends

Come closer and hold me tight against you..
Walk with me and show me a beautiful path..
A path where obstacles exist but you will always point it out to me… help me through it..
And no matter how we look ragged and old we will still be close together..
No matter .. No matter how maybe one day I would face sickness you will be there for me .. holding my hand and never letting go..
Assuring me that everything will be alright…
And when that path comes to an end.. you bring a shovel to dig another path.. so that our path becomes that path that never ends..

-Esperanza Writes

Invisible Public Figure

[ENTER] Thank you! Thank you [takes a bow]!

Thank you all for coming here to hear of my speech, jaw falling or not, you came here with your invisible spirits hanging around this invisible hall. You come to hear and I come to speak and I do try my best to serve you all what satisfies. You are not treated as subjects but as individuals who make a difference but right now and right here where everything is unseen my invisible figure is to speak of what my heart desires.

I speak for the time of visibility and this no longer becomes an allusion. Some critiques will try to break this speech into pieces that will probably make it more understandable and reasonable and yet I only hope that, that is if they do, it will help be understand as well.

I came here to praise upon myself what have I done.. which is nothing and everything at once. My dreams are still hanging with some roller coaster ride taste in it with a depth of emotion hanging on.

Controversial is always an issue when it comes to me and myself.. we just cannot understand each other but I have hope that one day we will. What I say is a matter of words scattered waiting to be collected.

Life is an abstract word yet we live it and so are our dreams. My dreams are beyond the frontiers, exceeding the limits and so are many million people out there including you. I admire those who came across and made the invisible visible and I am on transition in between the two worlds. I have no more to say other than after I leave this very room one of you will become the next invisible public figure and I will become visible.

Bless you .. [invisible auidence claps] {EXIT]

-Esperanza Writes