Beg Me My Forgiveness (short story) [Past Post]

(Some people are better off Solo. -Esperanzish Proverb)

It all started with a look, then a touch, then a ring. I was deceived with his words. Promises upon promises was presented to me and I believed. I lived a fairy tale that every girl dreamed of. I was a princess in other words.
We settled in together, got married and I lived the time of my life. I loved him so dearly, I grew so attached to him. I would stand up against a bullet for him, after all he is the husband I have chosen. The husband that I fell in love with him in the first sight.
Things seemed beautiful at first I am a middle-school teacher and he is, well he is searching for a job, he wanted to be a huge investor, he had those wild dreams and I respected his dreams. In fact I encourage him to go after his dreams. I was his motivator.
He worked hard the first couple of months on trying to find his dreams, but then he just quitted didn’t try anymore. He started to just stop and do nothing. He would be going out in the night amusing himself, then he would sleep all morning. Being a useless drag. The only equation that I was in was being the source of money.
I thought at first it was a phase, depression maybe so I let him alone to deal with it. This didn’t seem to workout so I tried to talk to him, it didn’t go well. Our voices grew louder until we were practically shouting. Any neighbor with in ten feet away could’ve heard us. And then the most unexpected thing happened, he slapped me so hard I could feel my cheek going numb. I was in shock how could this happen? How could he dare do so?
Our shouts grew louder and louder until I could feel myself blackout from the repetitive beating.
They told me I lost too much blood and that the child made it.. what child?
They told me that I am with child, I’m pregnant in my fourth month.
He came with tears apologizing, that he lost his temper and he would never do such a thing again. He begged my forgiveness. And I accepted it.
It only lasted two days then things went back to normal. Until it became a routine he wouldn’t do anything, we fight, I get beaten, and he would apologize and swear upon his grave that this won’t happen again.
Until I was due. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and she become ecstasy of my life. But that did not make a difference to him. He still was him. The guy that I become to loathe. It’s a wonder of wonders how deep love and affection would turn into hate and detest. The only reasons that kept me with him is because of two things: I didn’t want my daughter to be lost in a world without a father, and what will the society think if I got divorced. This society didn’t mercy the woman not at all. I would be a taboo if I was divorced even if I was the person who didn’t do this relationship wrong.
Things got worse and my daughter is two years old now. My life became without any taste. It became a living hell. Until that day when I was to tired to function, I had just came from work. He just woke up he asked for something to eat, “Go get yourself something. I’m going to rest.”
“What did you say?” he replied with an angry temper in his voice.
“I’m too tired to say anything. Do yourself some good and fitch your own food.”
And that what triggered everything. It started a fight he was shouting and I was so tired to even argue I ignored him and started to head to my room, then I heard something break over my head. The bastard threw a plate towards me. “FOR GOD SAKE ACT MATURE FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!!” I screamed.
“Mommy!” I heard a faint scary voice behind me.
“Oh darling come here.” He screamed some more. “You are scaring the girl!! Shut up!!”
And then another plate came flying landing on my beloved daughter. Blood was streaming down her face. I panicked, I screamed! My daughter! My daughter!! She is going to die!!!! I shook her to get a respond but she was unconscious!
I quickly held her up and drove her to the ER as fast as I can. And all that time I kept thinking that I am going to lose her. I’m going to lose my only reason for living in this life.
The next thing that happened was almost a blur they took her from me and told me to wait, and all the time I was crying blaming it on myself for not providing a safe environment for my child. It is all my fault right?
Until thirty minutes later the doctor came assuring me that they removed glass particles from her body and she is fine now with a couple of stitches. She is now asleep. She has gone lucky that is.
I slept by her side that night, until I felt her hand touching my head “Mommy.”
Finally she woke up! My tears just couldn’t stop itself.
“Why you crying mommy?” she asked with her broken childish english. I didn’t answer. “Mommy everything hurts. Make it go away.”
“I’m sorry honey, I’m sorry I wont let this happen to you again. No one will lay a finger on you ever again.”
And I made an oath to give her a better life. I filed for a restraining order for my child from her useless, cruel father. He begged me my forgiveness. He wants me to drop the lawsuit. To me this sounded like a broken record. And I proceeded with what I was doing.
Today I hold the papers of the court agreeing to my request. I have gained my child’s full custody. I’m starting a new life for both of us we are breaking free. We are better off alone and much happier.
Let him beg me my forgiveness and I won’t forgive.
Life is better without him.
P.S: The characters and events of the story are all fictional.
-Esperanza Writes

Why Write?

Do you know yourself? Do I know myself? I mean other than the usual description or knowing oneself height, weight, what we like and don’t like, how do we act, who do we like to be with.. etc. Other than that do you we know ourselves? When we go deep, deep, deep, like way deep like going deep into the ocean and I choose the word ocean not sea, even though I do not know what is the difference and I am too lazy to look up the difference, but I choose ocean because it has more letters than sea and more letters are deeper in it sense and also because it starts with an O. Oblivious also starts with an O and that is who we are when we speak about the deep, deep, deep ocean.

When you go deep, like way deep in the ocean in the darkest depth we do not know how it is. We lack knowing how it is. Because when we are down there we are too busy swimming back up to inhale the air, we can’t live without Oxygen (another O). And even if we try to back up ourselves with oxygen tanks so we could breathe underwater, we are not trained to do it so it is difficult. Even if we are trained to do it we cannot handle the pressure because down there the pressure is massive. You cannot tolerate this enough to stay a long time down there. Even though if you are trained well enough you eventually want to get out. It is so much pressure and it is not safe because the sharks and whales could hurt you.

You take the safest form there is to go down there. In a submarine. A really small one that can barely fit two. But you cannot take another person with you even though you don’t know how to work it, because it is too private to let anyone else in this deep place of yours. So you learn how to work this stupid machine and go down there. Even though it’s a dangerous state is still there, but you are willing to risk it.

You risk it so you can know what is down there. The submarine could explode any minute, and could not handle the pressure. But you risk it, you’ve got your oxygen tank to back you up so you could escape this.

I risk it because I do not know myself. Like deep, deep down there in the ocean I am oblivious to this matter. That is why I write. Writing is like going down in this submarine. I am risking it true  So I could see the beauty and ugliness that is down there. So I could see the sharks and the whales even though they are dangerous. So I could see creatures that you have never thought of seeing before and awe at it. So I could no longer be oblivious and know what is there.

Even though it is risky but it is worth it.

-Esperanza Writes

p.s.: A huge advice. Read “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green.

Did You Smile Today?

Around six months ago I started a survey via internet around the subject “Smiling”. Many bloggers (such as Kuwaitiful , HisHersQ8, Q8blend .. and so forth) who helped spreading the survey, many online people (that I know and don’t know) kindly participated in this survey, even though it had nothing to with cookies ;p. The sum of 71 different people helped make this survey possible for analysis. So 71 thanks to all of you there. Thank you very much!! To read the result I have pdf-ed them for the world to view here ( A_Survey_on_Smiling (2) ).

Just so I can include in the picture to why I proceeded with such a survey. I know smiling has such a huge effect on people it is mentioned in our Sunna as the following pictures says:

And it is as well studied in a scientific form where the result that smiling releases some kind of endorphin (?)  that is such a mood lifter. However, here is my own insights on this subject. Before six months I had one of my many crazy ideas to show people how much it is important to smile and in a way to show it through a miniature study. A part of this study is a ten question survey (above) which is not that deep only a quick, broad questions on the effect of smiling on one’s mood, and on strangers (I do confess that it may hold a part of errors there, but generally it is good according to content. Check it yourself).

The second part of the study (or whatever it is supposed to be called) is based on my own actions. Six months ago I decided to pack a bag of smiles and to distribute them on people that either I hardly know or did not know at all. Six months ago I did not know anybody in college, let us just say I spent all my time either reading, studying, writing with barely any human interaction outside of class. Which is normal, it is not a pity at all where I was an introvert by nature. Except for the sake of the study, I started to slowly edge away from my usual self and smile to almost everyone I came across to. At first I was self-observed where  I was not comfortable at all with this whole “Smiling at strangers” thing. However, I sensed through my efforts to smile that people started to open up to me, get closer and not fear my existence. Gradually I started to smile more often until it became a habit of mine.  I would smile to the cleaner at college and she would be filled with joy for this small gesture, this smile little thing made wonders. I really do not know how much the effect is but in return I go a huger smile that made me smile more. This just brightened my day.

People started to open up with what they felt about me. One girl told, whom I had classes with last year, said to me that before she thought I was a deeply self-involved person that has a weight of life time problems on my shoulder, yet when I first smiled at her, that one single smile everything changed since then. Now she sees me as a totally different person. I’m fully aware that my smile is not magical or sensational I just believe that the act of purely smiling changes everything. Because I’ve went through it I could now say that smiling is not just a gesture it is a mood lifter, it really did effect me in a pleasant way, and so it did effect others as well.

Just a week ago the man at Coffee Republic in his Indian accent told the other employee “She’s a good girl”, I smiled and said “Who my friend?” He replied, “No, You!” And I asked with amazement, “Why?” Then he answered with something that made me smile more, “Because you smile.”

I do not know what is your position right now or later on. We all have our days and self-doubt, but in the end I do believe that a smile is a beginning of a change. A smile makes your day better, and I speak of experience. 🙂

So…….,

-Esperanza Writes

Reality Stage (Short Story)

I have always been known to be the multimillionaire in town. The twenty-five year old, self-made multimillionaire young man who everyone felt in awe of. My wits and intelligence made me that man, made me into this well-known person who escalated himself from nothing to well… something. Born an orphan I made sure that I will be that man and here I am today a man who has a lot of money in his hands yet no person in hand. A rich lonely fellow that was it.

This loneliness made me depressed more often than the usual basis. The idea of going to a therapist aroused my thoughts sometimes but my ego did not allow me to do so. I had a business to run and I must not show my weakness to others. So that is how my life is summed up to. I would mask happiness yet nothing about me was happy. I spent lots and lots of money on things I did not need or want for that matter and never did I stop. I showed people how I was a happy, content man that everyone envied. And so did I live a false life at such a young age.

Therefore, my story begins with those reasons. It always happens in a certain day. Everything new or sudden comes within a day. To me it was that day. That day where I was at the peak of my depression mood, throwing my money around, walking around with suicidal thoughts. I then decided that I need to end this. To end my life which I cannot handle.

I went to a drug store trying to compete with my thoughts “should I do that or should I not?” It echoed in my thoughts while I went to one of the shelves. I picked up any pack of pills that my hand could reach and I went on my way to the cashier. He gives me a knowing nod and I nod back. He takes the pills, checks it in, and I hand him a  bunch of bills motioning to him to keep the change. I wait for him to put it in a bag for me, while I am at that I notice fliers on the desk. I do not know why but I reach my hand out picking one up along with my bag of purchased pills and I head out.

The flyer is for a monodrama play. I remember thinking what is a monodrama play? It was my first time I hear of such kind of play. I decide right there to go. The flyer said it is staged the same day in an hour. So I go. I go to see what this is about. At least, I think, when I die I would have learned something new. At least when I die I would die fulfilling some certain kind of thing. I’m not sure how important that thing since I’m going to die anyway and it won’t be important when I am no longer alive; but it is more like a death wish. Like when a person is sentenced to death he has one last wish to be fulfilled. The same thing is with me. Except the difference is that their life is taken reluctantly and mines is with my own will.

I see a one man stage show. A one actor performing his emotions and his inner thoughts in such an effecting way. The performer acts for more than an hour alone without any minor actors or majors. Just him showing an inner conflict in his life. Showing us the character’s deep secrets, fears, moments of sadness and about everything a solo person is afraid to tell out loud. An hour of that made me thinking. I am much fascinated by what I have seen. And a wacky idea rose into my  head. I should do this. I should make a monodrama play. I do not only should do this but I need to do this. And I get determined. I’ve set my mind. I’m going to do it.

Continue reading Reality Stage (Short Story)

Invisible Public Figure

[ENTER] Thank you! Thank you [takes a bow]!

Thank you all for coming here to hear of my speech, jaw falling or not, you came here with your invisible spirits hanging around this invisible hall. You come to hear and I come to speak and I do try my best to serve you all what satisfies. You are not treated as subjects but as individuals who make a difference but right now and right here where everything is unseen my invisible figure is to speak of what my heart desires.

I speak for the time of visibility and this no longer becomes an allusion. Some critiques will try to break this speech into pieces that will probably make it more understandable and reasonable and yet I only hope that, that is if they do, it will help be understand as well.

I came here to praise upon myself what have I done.. which is nothing and everything at once. My dreams are still hanging with some roller coaster ride taste in it with a depth of emotion hanging on.

Controversial is always an issue when it comes to me and myself.. we just cannot understand each other but I have hope that one day we will. What I say is a matter of words scattered waiting to be collected.

Life is an abstract word yet we live it and so are our dreams. My dreams are beyond the frontiers, exceeding the limits and so are many million people out there including you. I admire those who came across and made the invisible visible and I am on transition in between the two worlds. I have no more to say other than after I leave this very room one of you will become the next invisible public figure and I will become visible.

Bless you .. [invisible auidence claps] {EXIT]

-Esperanza Writes

Fake Romeo

“But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don’t go”(1)

 There is nothing she wouldn’t haven’t done, she believed in this possible love. She thought he was Romeo that would never leave Juliette alone. She had dreams, hopes and faith in this love, in him but what really happened is what her  heart cannot bear anymore. He left her without any reasonable say, he can’t he couldn’t he wasn’t .

She called up and wanted help:

“Romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come”(1)

And all she ever heard was her echo. She didn’t want to admit it but she had to for her own good.. Her Romeo was Fake. She wept and she knew the truth that in this world Shakespeare has deceived us with the “perfect love” and that Romeo was nevertheless fake.

Romeo does not exist.

(1) Swift, Taylor. Love Story.

P.s: Please take this survey to help my personal study ( link ).

-Esperanza Writes

 

Help Me by Answering

 

I’ve been thinking of doing a personal study (not college related study) about the subject “Smiling”. It has been in my mind for several weeks now and I’ve decided to take action now first thing first I’m doing a survey that consists of 10 questions that I would like you to answer on this link:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/FZ57KB8

So please do participate by answering, speaking about it, sharing the link, blog about it, tweet about it, and about every way possible that would be highly appreciated.

And please do give me your opinion about smiling in the comments section in this post. Your cooperation can make a difference. I will keep you updated with this study.

Thank you!

-Esperanza Writes