خاطرة

     ما زال الأمر غامضاً……و هذا الغموض زادني فضولاً…,  والفضول زادني جنوناً…لم أعد أتألم كالسابق، و لكن الألم مازال موجوداً، مواقف صغيرة و حتى بعض الكلمات تذكرني بالجرح العميق الذي خلفه قدري في قلبي ، و لكن هل ليَّ تغيير القدر ؟ هل لي معرفة ما يخبأ ُه لي من جروح ٍ عميقة ؟ … لا، هذا غير ممكن؛ لذا ، وجِب عليَّ تقبل الأمر و الانتظار بفارغ الصبر لمعرفة ما ينتظرني في المستقبل القريب.

     حالتي لم تسوء، و لكنها لم تتحسن أيضاً…أعيش في فترة التغيرات الجذرية في جميع مجالات حياتي…الوضع غير مستقر و هذا يزيدني ارتباكاً و خوفاً من أن المستقبل سيأتي بما لا تشتهيهُ نفسي…الخوف طيَّر النوم من عيني، و باتت عينايَّ منبع سيول الدموع..ماءٌ مالحٌ لا يستساغ..ماءٌ مالحٌ لا يسيل سوى في الليالي الظلماء، و في الصباح يختبئُ حتى ياتي الليلُ فيفيض…منبعٌ ينتظر ابتعاد الناس عنه حتى إن سال سال بعيداً عن أعينهم التي لا تود الرأفة على منبع ٍ لا يضخ سوى ماء ٍ مالح ٍ لا يحتمل طعمه؛ فالناس لا تود أن ترى سوى ما يتسببٌ بتمدد أطراف شِفاههم و انطلاق القهقهات الصادرة من حناجرهم…هذا ما يفعله من هم من دمي و لحمي، فكيف هم من لا يعرفون سوى اسمي…..

 RJ007

Irony

It is very ironic how we find happiness in little things even if we were in a big crisis….That’s what I realized yesterday when one of my prayers was “Partially” answered and I am waiting for the rest of it to become true.

During the course of our lives, we go through ups and downs, and no one is excluded from that fact, you can’t run away from it, it will chase and find you no matter who you are.

I myself am going through some “Downs”, and that has been the case for over a year….it sounds so miserable and frustrating, to the extent that at certain points I wished I were dead;  because to me the idea of “no longer existing” seemed to be the best way not to experience those unpleasant events of “Downs”, however, due to my knowledge that “ there’s an up for every down” I realized how lucky I am to be alive, and now am impatiently waiting for the great upcoming events brought to me by the “Ups” that life promised I would experience one day. 

Though am sure that life would keep its promise, however, I find myself puzzled with tens of questions about the “Whens” and “Hows” of the promised “Victory” that comes with the “Ups”….I start asking ; For how long I’ll keep going through downs and finally reach to the Ups? When will I hit the “Rock bottom”? Is it going to be too harsh? Am I going to cope with it? Are the “Ups” going to be pleasant enough to make it up for what I have suffered during the “Down” period of my life?…..etc.

 Time passes by and unpleasant events keep happening to you, tension rises, disappointment and lack of hope seem to be your only two companions in this journey, tears are shed every now and then, support is searched for, friends and family are consulted, a helping hand is required, the sense of security is desired, shocks and surprises dazzle you, speechless becomes your status, smiles and laughs are faked, questions rule your brain, emotions control your heart,  days feel longer and endless, time doesn’t seem to pass, loneliness is what you feel even if surrounded by tens of people,  happiness seems unreachable, tomorrow is not thought about, surviving the day becomes your daily challenge, painful and probably forgotten memories are remembered, the value of the happy days and moments are more appreciated and understood, prayers are told more often, regular problems become harder to cope with, solutions are searched for, decisions become harder to make, options get limited and sometimes too many that no single option seems to be the best, complains become infinite, blessing are all forgotten about, others do not concern you, life seems unfair to you, others and their problems are not seen by you, the entire universe seems to rebel against you and only you, changes occur, mostly unpleasant ones, undesired alternatives merge but you go with for you to have no other option, the smallest things drive you crazy, little issues are exaggerated, peace of mind is needed but not found…..Among all these, there comes a moment when only one pleasant event takes place, one prayer being answered, and in a very surprising and extremely quick way, that frown on your face turns into a smile, and for a few minutes, if not for the whole day, all those emotions and changes brought by the “Downs” in your life just vanish away, for them you feel exist no more or were not there in the first place…..I find it quit ironic how that “One” answered prayer made all my pain and misery fade away within a fraction of a second….obviously it’s not about the size, it’s about the strength of the impact that made the light of hope shine again in my life, and brought back that smile I myself haven’t seen in a long time…

Despite of what I am going through, I can positively say the following “ I AM HAPPY” followed by a smile that is the result of the peace of my mind…. I feel fresh and new as if I was just born.

If I haven’t experienced this event yesterday I wouldn’t be sharing with you a lesson I have learned and an advice I would like to give…….. Search for your happiness because you will surely find it somewhere and somehow, don’t be deceived by the magnitude of events or the negative energy you are surrounded with, even bad things have a bit of good in them, only if you believe so, and always remember, it is not about the size, it’s about the strength of impact…

 

RJ007

Esperanza and Summer Course

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I admit it has been a while since I wrote anything. Hell, I don’t even remember when was the last time and what did I write about. I would have to check in order to remember. All I can recall is that I was complaining to my friend when i just had started summer course about how I wasn’t writing as I would like to. Anyway I wasn’t away and that means I am not back. I was just in a hold mood until I was done from summer course.
Speaking of summer course I feel the need to elaborate on this subject a bit. You see this is my first time to ever take a summer course and as it is I never expected myself to be this lazy I mean, aside from not writing, I really had gotten lazy. It is like the almost five days between the ending of the second semester and the starting of summer course was not the tad bit enough to regenerate my brain cells. I just attend the three subjects I’ve taken, try as much as I can to concentrate, think I understand something, and go home not doing anything as if the classes I attended didn’t happen. And then I just ended up the course with grades I am not that satisfied with. Thinking of it now I came up with a few conclusions why did I become that lazy person in this course:
1. It’s summer hence it is very very very very very hot, that it stopped my brain cells from working the way it should work properly. I’m sweating bad more like a guy (and in a not cool gym way but the disgusting you don’t want to speak of way. TMI I know!!) The heat makes me think all the day of going home and classes from 9:00 am to 2:00 pm is a long run from going home. (Did I say VERY hot?)
2. Due to the fact that becoming an semi- A student did not happen until I became deeply involved with literature it made sense that I was not interested in the mandatory but awful subjects that did not include any sort of literature. I preferred to leave the literature subjects for the long courses so I could enjoy my classes to the max. ( A literature nerd you say?)
3. I know that I have mentioned before ( here) that I hate vacations and I still do. But it turned out (and I mentioned that as well) that five days is not a vacation or a breather. I needed two weeks at least to reboot myself.
4. Subjects I took were lame. Extremely lame. One was Kuwait history (that I repeated) and the other one even though it is in the English field but it’s the linguistics side and I just … hate linguistics. Why should a literature student take five courses in that field? .. meh.
Even though I when I was done from summer course I said that I wouldn’t be taking it again because the lack of effort I gave I figured out that I will be taking it again and here is why:
1. When calculated how many subjects I had left it turned out with a summer course and a year and a course (that is 3 courses and a summer course) I would be graduating not this year but next year the first half. I can’t believe I’m this close I thought I still had two years. But because I’m planning to take twelve subjects this year ( that is six subjects per course), three in the summer course, and seven in the remaining course this is manageable. I wasn’t even aware of that!!! Yes I know this a lot of stress but I know I could do it (inshAllah) plus I need to graduate first half of the year so I could complete my masters the next year. Turns out for masters if you graduate the first half the following September you could complete but if you graduate the second half you have to wait for the next year to join (weird I know). So yeah if I want my plan to go well I have to take a summer course.
2. See what I said about vacations? Well yeah a three months vacation is a lot for me that is when I hate vacation. At least I made something useful with my life (even though it is not that useful) instead of sitting at home.
For now I am enjoying my Ramadan and what is remaining from my vacation until next course. I will beginning with my new minor (Comparative Literature) which by the way I’m from the very first students who is minoring in this field in Kuwait University (YAAAY!! I’m excited). It is going to be a course loaded with literature subjects (four literature, one linguistics :(, and one philosophy). Let us see how things go on the way inshAllah all to the best.
I feel like shouting another YAAY for finally writing something YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

-Esperanza Writes

Instagram and Blogat

I don’t usually update on things that doesn’t involve writing but I do make exceptions especially for my readers to stay connected with me like where to find me. I here have two more locations to find me first thanks to our fellow blogger and app maker Fahad from http://elderwaza.com/ he had added my blog to the ” blogat ” app for iPhone users.

I am pretty sure you’ll like it and you will see other fellow bloggers listed there as well. Thanks!

The other place you could find me in is Instagram under the account ” @norawithletters ” (yup!! my real name is Nora if you haven’t guessed yet.)

Hope to see you there 😀

-Esperanza Writes

Little People (Short Story)

There is a small city, so far way and hidden. In it lives little people working and being hyper active. However, because they are little tiny itsy people in a tiny little itsy city nobody knows of this place. The only creatures who know of its existence are flying birds that pass above it and rest in it while immigrating.  In this city a natural cycle runs. Newborn babies come into life everyday and old folks die as their journey in life ends.

And yet they were different. Different not only in the sense that they were so tiny (much like a journey in Gulliver’s travels to the tiny people) but in their way of fueling. They, not like regular people fuel on food on water, but have their own way of fueling with a weird kind of way. They fuel on letters, inspiration, and moving forward of the normal people. Whenever normal people thinks of words that are combined with multiple letters, or endorses a new kind of knowledge those tiny citizens would be all energized up. Talking a lot and being the fireworks to normal people. Without the normal people knowing.

Unfortunately, if they are not fueled over time those little people loses their power and slack off. And little by little they lose their souls, and this city become without citizens to count.

All those little people’s pleas are that they keep being fueled. To keep the city going. They are afraid to vanish.

-Esperanza Writes

Beg Me My Forgiveness (short story) [Past Post]

(Some people are better off Solo. -Esperanzish Proverb)

It all started with a look, then a touch, then a ring. I was deceived with his words. Promises upon promises was presented to me and I believed. I lived a fairy tale that every girl dreamed of. I was a princess in other words.
We settled in together, got married and I lived the time of my life. I loved him so dearly, I grew so attached to him. I would stand up against a bullet for him, after all he is the husband I have chosen. The husband that I fell in love with him in the first sight.
Things seemed beautiful at first I am a middle-school teacher and he is, well he is searching for a job, he wanted to be a huge investor, he had those wild dreams and I respected his dreams. In fact I encourage him to go after his dreams. I was his motivator.
He worked hard the first couple of months on trying to find his dreams, but then he just quitted didn’t try anymore. He started to just stop and do nothing. He would be going out in the night amusing himself, then he would sleep all morning. Being a useless drag. The only equation that I was in was being the source of money.
I thought at first it was a phase, depression maybe so I let him alone to deal with it. This didn’t seem to workout so I tried to talk to him, it didn’t go well. Our voices grew louder until we were practically shouting. Any neighbor with in ten feet away could’ve heard us. And then the most unexpected thing happened, he slapped me so hard I could feel my cheek going numb. I was in shock how could this happen? How could he dare do so?
Our shouts grew louder and louder until I could feel myself blackout from the repetitive beating.
They told me I lost too much blood and that the child made it.. what child?
They told me that I am with child, I’m pregnant in my fourth month.
He came with tears apologizing, that he lost his temper and he would never do such a thing again. He begged my forgiveness. And I accepted it.
It only lasted two days then things went back to normal. Until it became a routine he wouldn’t do anything, we fight, I get beaten, and he would apologize and swear upon his grave that this won’t happen again.
Until I was due. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and she become ecstasy of my life. But that did not make a difference to him. He still was him. The guy that I become to loathe. It’s a wonder of wonders how deep love and affection would turn into hate and detest. The only reasons that kept me with him is because of two things: I didn’t want my daughter to be lost in a world without a father, and what will the society think if I got divorced. This society didn’t mercy the woman not at all. I would be a taboo if I was divorced even if I was the person who didn’t do this relationship wrong.
Things got worse and my daughter is two years old now. My life became without any taste. It became a living hell. Until that day when I was to tired to function, I had just came from work. He just woke up he asked for something to eat, “Go get yourself something. I’m going to rest.”
“What did you say?” he replied with an angry temper in his voice.
“I’m too tired to say anything. Do yourself some good and fitch your own food.”
And that what triggered everything. It started a fight he was shouting and I was so tired to even argue I ignored him and started to head to my room, then I heard something break over my head. The bastard threw a plate towards me. “FOR GOD SAKE ACT MATURE FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!!” I screamed.
“Mommy!” I heard a faint scary voice behind me.
“Oh darling come here.” He screamed some more. “You are scaring the girl!! Shut up!!”
And then another plate came flying landing on my beloved daughter. Blood was streaming down her face. I panicked, I screamed! My daughter! My daughter!! She is going to die!!!! I shook her to get a respond but she was unconscious!
I quickly held her up and drove her to the ER as fast as I can. And all that time I kept thinking that I am going to lose her. I’m going to lose my only reason for living in this life.
The next thing that happened was almost a blur they took her from me and told me to wait, and all the time I was crying blaming it on myself for not providing a safe environment for my child. It is all my fault right?
Until thirty minutes later the doctor came assuring me that they removed glass particles from her body and she is fine now with a couple of stitches. She is now asleep. She has gone lucky that is.
I slept by her side that night, until I felt her hand touching my head “Mommy.”
Finally she woke up! My tears just couldn’t stop itself.
“Why you crying mommy?” she asked with her broken childish english. I didn’t answer. “Mommy everything hurts. Make it go away.”
“I’m sorry honey, I’m sorry I wont let this happen to you again. No one will lay a finger on you ever again.”
And I made an oath to give her a better life. I filed for a restraining order for my child from her useless, cruel father. He begged me my forgiveness. He wants me to drop the lawsuit. To me this sounded like a broken record. And I proceeded with what I was doing.
Today I hold the papers of the court agreeing to my request. I have gained my child’s full custody. I’m starting a new life for both of us we are breaking free. We are better off alone and much happier.
Let him beg me my forgiveness and I won’t forgive.
Life is better without him.
P.S: The characters and events of the story are all fictional.
-Esperanza Writes