I remember when I was excited about everything and anything. I remember when I would be enthusiastic about a sparkle in my head. I use to be a lot of things. This did not go entirely away, but must I say that in some parts it did evolve, became a better version, more knowledgeable and enlightened. But in other parts it just… died.
A quick recap. I graduated. I am officially a KU graduate majoring in English Literature and minoring in Comparative Literature. At this point my occupation in this world is the girl behind the screen. Stays up all night and watches
I have disappeared the past couple of months into a vacuum. However, I have not disappeared because of nothing but because all my energy has been focused on writing essays for my subjects on a weekly basis and whenever I got free time I would prefer spending it with putting my brains on a snooze mode.
Here, I am finally free (technically I was free a week ago) and I am in a holiday. It has been hectic trying to pull in everything I missed on out since the semester has started and doing the things that I love. Like watching movies where during the course I have alternated it with YouTube videos just to spare the time- because I could not just simply sit down and watch a movie for a period of time (even though I did it on rare basis). Reading, I miss reading outside materials that does not involve anything related to college, every time I attempt to pick a book a find myself not having time to read it and read college material- or feeling guilty that I am not reading the “suppose to read” stuff on the price of “self enjoyment” material. Add to that, writing outside stuff like writing this post- or simply just pouring my thoughts without thinking twice about what I should be or should not be writing and how “formal” the essay should be. Or that it should be flawless of grammatical errors (which will you be seeing a lot in this blog because I do not revise twice upon the post I have written- it is informal and I’m free to speak hence, no grading) just to be to the point and valid with the points I’m stating. It is kind of frustrating at times especially when each doctor had his/her own way of approving which is a good essay and which is not.
Since the end of last semester I have been accidentally involved with English day. Now English day is basically two days in Kuwait University by the English department (obviously) that students from the same department do some acting and presenting …etc. The first day is for presentations under three categories 1. Literature 2. Linguistics 3. Current affairs. The second day is for plays (I think that is all).
I’m participating in the first day with a nine minutes presentations with a friend of mines talking about a literature story where we have joined both different research papers (ours) into one presentation. This required months of planning, thinking, stressing, and adjusting. Yes we are basically two nerds who worked so hard on this presentation.
Except this is my first time ever to present in front of an audience (not counting the play that I acted in with a minor role in high school where I kinda forgot my lines while performing) so I asked our Doctor (that is our instructor through the presentations) to make an audience during our rehearsals so I could adjust through it and see how my “stuttering and nerves” goes. Before yesterday’s rehearsal by an hour or so my friend and I rehearsed and I was having difficulties with the closing statement because we just wrote it this week with the help of the Doctor, yet I managed to do it. And we went to the auditorium that was full with both girls and guys and we were the second to go.
My heart was beating so hard yet I managed to go through the presentation with a little of stuttering and few hands flying all over the place but otherwise it was fine… UNTIL.. the closing statement where went smoothly through the first couple sentences but then suddenly my brain went dead.. like dead then stay silent, turn to my friend whisper a “sorry”, then as I just was about to proceed I see my Doctor shaking his head, then I stop again and say “Do you hate me?” Which made everybody crack and then I just do realize what I have said and laugh as well!! Except the Doctor wasn’t shaking his head for me but for someone else!! Then I completed quickly the rest.. yet I seriously do not know what happened to me asking this question ;p
In two weeks is my actual presentation (9th of may) and I’m really hoping I do not throw in an awkward comment such as yesterday. I’ve been rehearsing since yesterday till now so I would not lose myself to a larger audience later on.
Piece of advice: No matter how much you get stuck with your presentation for God sake do not ask the Doctor whether he hates you or not.. avoid emotional comment.. notes taken.. hopefully.
Wish me luck!
p.s: I did not put my friends picture because I have not asked permission. She is awesome with the presentation and surely she did not ask if the Doctor hates her or not ;p
Yes today, April 14th 2012, I turn 21 and I have this huge impulse to share with everyone out there what does it mean to be 21. Let is just sort things out that being the years before being 20 was just like being 16 was just like being 10.. All have no big of a difference and so is being 21 except for a few minor changes and should be’s when you come to this age. Other than the usual cliche: Today you are the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest that you’ll ever be, there is other things (just to point out this is kind of a depressing quote it is like you will go: Whaaaaaaaat?? I’m not going to be young again?):
According to my beloved country, Kuwait, you are totally allowed to vote for the members of the parliament. So as if now I’m legally allowed to vote.. and my vote counts. Only one small problem or two. The next parliament isn’t due until four years later, so being 21 is not a count now or by some miracle the parliament would need to be re-electing (let’s hope not). The other I don’t really want the responsibility of voting unlike others I do take this matter seriously because under this single vote lies many changes to this country, who wins and who doesn’t, and due to myself who hates politics in general I would have to force myself into seeing who is worthy and who is not of my vote.. Conclusion: Not looking forward to it.
I’m legally allowed IN OTHER countries to drink, and I do not mean drink hot chocolate or coffee.. tsk tsk get the humor side of me.
According to my bank I am not allowed to get a Visa card/internet buying card until I’m 21<<< that I’m looking forward to.. oh the things I will get to buy from amazon. Amazon I’ll be your favorite customer.
I’m in full custody of myself.. meaning I’m considered as an adult and if I commit a crime I wouldn’t put in the kids prison but in the scary big one and if I do something right I won’t be getting a little star-shaped sticker in my notebook. I’m legally legal to exist.. or something like that.
According to universal colleges I should be graduating by next year hence only one year left to graduate. But according to KU (Kuwait University) it is ok if I’m 21 now and I won’t be graduating for a possible two or three years more. No problem 🙂
I’m not really sure what more than this list could bring to hand .. Right now I think I’ve just been struck by reality that I’m actually no longer 16 .. I mean 20. Oh god I think I’m growing wrinkles (does wrinkles grow?) the next thing you’ll hear is that I’ve reached 100 years old. Times flies fast. What can 22 bring more to this?
p.s: Please note down that number 2 is a joke. I know that drinking is not only harmful but also haram and I do not intend to drink .. not now not later. I do not advocate it at all.
“Is instinct an answer?” was the question I asked myself after listening to a mind blowing lecture under the title of “Schizoanalysis and Method: An Incomplete Project” by Ian Buchanan. At first I he tried with a very complex idea of explaining Deleuze and Freud which is really complicated for me to explain because I did not really get it. After that he started to simply things into what we desire in life.
He completed on saying that we want to obtain is because of desire rather than pleasure to make it simpler for you for example you want a certain object let say a t-shirt it is not pleasure that leads you to wanting it rather than desire because once you have it there is no pleasure in after some amount of time. Basically desires is the key to everything whether abstract or concrete. In order to understand your desires better and to make your life easier (or harder according to how you see it) there are three concepts that you go through and ask yourself. 1. Assembly, 2.Abstract Machine (logic), 3. Nature of feeling. Just to simplify those three concepts for you, because I didn’t understand them at first as well, go through the drill of the following questions:
Why these things? (What is it about this thing that I find desirable?)
Why do I even care?
Could I obtain that feeling in something else?
When going through those three concepts you then realize whether the things you want (again abstract or concrete) is really worth everything thing else or maybe do you actually desire it as much as you thought. Is that Prada purse what I desire? Or is that Mini cooper what I really desire? and so forth. You will find later on that “Just because..” was just an excuse and there is no such thing as just because but there is more meaning and depth to it. The prior examples I’ve set are just mini things in life but the point behind all this actually to make your vision of your life in particular to be clearer and to omit the things that you later on see that you do not desire.
At the end of the lecture I realized that I am a person that relies so much on “instinct”. If my instinct says so I would go behind it without further explanation knowing that this is the right thing. So I asked him “Could an answer to (why do I desire this?) be instinct? Could such an answer be possible? And could we look at it more analytically and find meaning behind it?” He basically answered the following: that there is a huge discussion to answer this but briefly when you look into Freud and Deluze they do not see such things as instinct in fact instinct does not exist in their concept. That is what time gave us as an answer however I’m not convinced by this answer as I said I am a huge believer of instinct. I told a friend that I didn’t like his answer, not that I’m not open but because I did not find his answer convincing, she said that once I take “Literary Critsism and Theory” class I would understand that, which I did not take yet. Due because I still yet did not take it yet I am still thinking of it “Could instinct be an answer? and Why do I believe in it? What does instinct mean?”
What Do you think? Thoughts? Anyone?
p.s: he has different lectures today and tomorrow if you’re interested link.
As I was going out of my room and closing the door behind me I had this vision of a Dragon and then I got a little weird and thought “Dragons should not be trusted” (you know because we all see dragons everywhere and everyday). So here it is my dear readers “FiveReasons not to Trust a Dragon“:
First of all we all see dragons as cuddly and cute as they are. Adorable and you just want to be friends with them, I mean look at the picture above doesn’t he seem nice? but nevertheless looks can deceive you. You shouldn’t trust a dragon.
When your friend the dragon, let us call him “Dragon” comes to pick you up for a walk you stroll down with him heading to the forest, because that what every dragon and person does, and on the way he gets a little tired and takes a deep inhale and then he exhales, he forgets that he exhales fire and you are right there in front of him and “POOF!” you turn into flames.
Even if you got lucky and you were missed the fire will strike right into the tree that will burn and fall down right on you. The next thing you know is a tree is on top of you.
You survive this limping and you still walk with your pal “Dragon”. You are heading into a city that is hosting a festival and “Dragon” get so excited and started to run, forgetting that he is a building large, and that you are right besides him and there you go under his big fat foot. Until he realizes it, it is too late your squished right under. He lifts his foot and puts his cute large paws on his mouth and let go an “Oops! Sorry”.
You forgive him for what he has done because it was not intentionally made and proceed to the festival and suddenly all the crowd gets silent and watches “Dragon”. They start shouting with words you don’t understand and then you finally figure out that a Dragon is a great symbol to fortune and is suited with this celebration and they request from “Dragon” to do the honors and do the moves. “Dragon” turns to you with his puffed up chest and says with a new cocky manner “Sorry dude you are on your own right now!” and leaves you all broken to pieces because he thinks he is way better than you.
So you go on to another place and people ask you why are you so sad and messed up and you tell them about your story with the dragon. They all look at each other and talk with a foreign language you ask what’s wrong and they all get up with an angry vibe and throw you out of their town. Turns out they are superstitious towards dragons and you are a bad omen to them. You figure out that you are lucky enough that they just threw you out and nothing else.
There are many things I take pride in, and some of things are actually pretty awkward but nonetheless I still do take pride in. So I thought why don’t I list them and take more pride then I usually do take pride in.
My scars. I have plenty and plenty of scars and I do take pride in having them. Some say remove them by laser and I say “why would I? I love them”. With every scar there is a story and the most one I take pride in is the one above my right eyebrow and I secretly think that it is cool because “I got it before harry potter’s scar”.
My clumsy self. I am so clumsy that I decided to take pride in it. Do you see the above scar? Well had it because my clumsy self was playing catch when I was in third grade that I slammed into a wall and got me this amazing scar.
My tears. They come easily that I keep popping it in every conversation as much as possible “The movie was so great that I cried” “The weather is beautiful I might as well cry” ” I cry easily” I think you’ve got the image now.
My romantic side and I would make it bold and clear to anyone and no one in particular that I am so once I said to someone “You know that I have this huge romantic side of me..” in a conversation.
My hypochondria self. I would go on and on about what type of diagnosis on myself like “I suffer from analytic disorder, Writing OCD, metaphorically speaking..” and on and on I would go until one friend opened a dictionary and showed me the meaning of hypochondria and I said “oh and that too!”
The nerd me. You do not, I repeat DO NOT want to know how much I take pride in my English/literature pride side.
The bookworm me. (no need for more explanation).
My awkward wording. My Arabic is not really good not as it should be and I would twist all the prepositions with whatever and comes out as a retarded sentence.
My awkward comments. As an example once I told someone that “the weather is beautiful.. all it is missing is my shinning armor” (in my defense it was raining, you know what rain does to people right?)
My badliyat I don’t know what it is called in English but I have a long list of these.
That I love Disney movies and that I am originally a child.
The crazy me. You do not want to see me crazy. Mostly I do become crazy with family and certain friends but mostly my brother (to irritate him). I do take pride in my craziness.
My introvert self.
My love in food. I love food so much that I sometimes get cranky when I do not eat. FOOD you rock!!
Some exotic things I ate: a grasshopper, ants (ants were by mistake) and I plan on eating raw octopus.
I don’t freak out about insects/animals and PROUD.
p.s: the first picture’s glasses are not mines but my sister’s that I borrowed. You might add that to the list is that I love this style in glasses.