Push the Buttons

It has been a while I know, but what can I say? College? Loads of papers and essays? stress over stress? Never mind that. However, do mind that I came to write here today for a reason. Yet the reason will remain until the latter. I’m not sure if the theory that I’m going to mention in a bit have came around in your life but the concept sure will sound familiar (although I’m pretty sure the way I’m going to explain it is somehow different).

You know when you are waiting for an elevator, you standing on the ground floor and the elevator is on the thirty second perhaps and you are pushing the buttons. Pushing, and anticipating it coming, and waiting and waiting for it to come but it so taking a damn long time. It is stopping on every floor and you are waiting. You wish you could go up the stairs but by the time you will get to the floor you are aiming for you will be out of breathe. So, you wait– impatiently-  you keep pushing and pushing the buttons, both those going up and down, as if by doing that you are making it come faster. And then when it finally arrives, it opens in a fast speed and people crammed inside just get out and semi-step on your feet and semi-trips you and by the time the people are all gone you manage to stand right outside the elevator and you see it’s empty from the inside. While, you lift your foot to step inside, the elevator closes and it goes up without waiting for you. Just like that it shunned you.

That elevator is that bottled up person, filled with all those emotions and you are the one who just keep pushing the buttons. The person is filled and filled, it exploded and now it is empty. The feelings turned out from everything to nothingness.

It hurts to be this person. So lost. So filled. So bottled. and So empty. Yet, no matter how you shun that person out of the elevator, that person will keep pushing the buttons until it is allowed. Because that person finds life more beautiful, easier, better with the elevator. And no matter what you do that person will be waiting until you give in and allow that person to be in. Me into your heart. No matter what you will do and how much you are through I will not leave you. No life is good without you.

I will keep nagging and nagging and pushing your buttons no matter how you try to shun me out of your emptiness.

Because a lot of things. Because you made me write this post for you which means you are dear. Because life is bitter without the sweet, which is you. Because I love you.

I do not know what is wrong, but allow me to listen.

Many loves,

Esperanza Writes

 

Beg Me My Forgiveness (short story) [Past Post]

(Some people are better off Solo. -Esperanzish Proverb)

It all started with a look, then a touch, then a ring. I was deceived with his words. Promises upon promises was presented to me and I believed. I lived a fairy tale that every girl dreamed of. I was a princess in other words.
We settled in together, got married and I lived the time of my life. I loved him so dearly, I grew so attached to him. I would stand up against a bullet for him, after all he is the husband I have chosen. The husband that I fell in love with him in the first sight.
Things seemed beautiful at first I am a middle-school teacher and he is, well he is searching for a job, he wanted to be a huge investor, he had those wild dreams and I respected his dreams. In fact I encourage him to go after his dreams. I was his motivator.
He worked hard the first couple of months on trying to find his dreams, but then he just quitted didn’t try anymore. He started to just stop and do nothing. He would be going out in the night amusing himself, then he would sleep all morning. Being a useless drag. The only equation that I was in was being the source of money.
I thought at first it was a phase, depression maybe so I let him alone to deal with it. This didn’t seem to workout so I tried to talk to him, it didn’t go well. Our voices grew louder until we were practically shouting. Any neighbor with in ten feet away could’ve heard us. And then the most unexpected thing happened, he slapped me so hard I could feel my cheek going numb. I was in shock how could this happen? How could he dare do so?
Our shouts grew louder and louder until I could feel myself blackout from the repetitive beating.
They told me I lost too much blood and that the child made it.. what child?
They told me that I am with child, I’m pregnant in my fourth month.
He came with tears apologizing, that he lost his temper and he would never do such a thing again. He begged my forgiveness. And I accepted it.
It only lasted two days then things went back to normal. Until it became a routine he wouldn’t do anything, we fight, I get beaten, and he would apologize and swear upon his grave that this won’t happen again.
Until I was due. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and she become ecstasy of my life. But that did not make a difference to him. He still was him. The guy that I become to loathe. It’s a wonder of wonders how deep love and affection would turn into hate and detest. The only reasons that kept me with him is because of two things: I didn’t want my daughter to be lost in a world without a father, and what will the society think if I got divorced. This society didn’t mercy the woman not at all. I would be a taboo if I was divorced even if I was the person who didn’t do this relationship wrong.
Things got worse and my daughter is two years old now. My life became without any taste. It became a living hell. Until that day when I was to tired to function, I had just came from work. He just woke up he asked for something to eat, “Go get yourself something. I’m going to rest.”
“What did you say?” he replied with an angry temper in his voice.
“I’m too tired to say anything. Do yourself some good and fitch your own food.”
And that what triggered everything. It started a fight he was shouting and I was so tired to even argue I ignored him and started to head to my room, then I heard something break over my head. The bastard threw a plate towards me. “FOR GOD SAKE ACT MATURE FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!!” I screamed.
“Mommy!” I heard a faint scary voice behind me.
“Oh darling come here.” He screamed some more. “You are scaring the girl!! Shut up!!”
And then another plate came flying landing on my beloved daughter. Blood was streaming down her face. I panicked, I screamed! My daughter! My daughter!! She is going to die!!!! I shook her to get a respond but she was unconscious!
I quickly held her up and drove her to the ER as fast as I can. And all that time I kept thinking that I am going to lose her. I’m going to lose my only reason for living in this life.
The next thing that happened was almost a blur they took her from me and told me to wait, and all the time I was crying blaming it on myself for not providing a safe environment for my child. It is all my fault right?
Until thirty minutes later the doctor came assuring me that they removed glass particles from her body and she is fine now with a couple of stitches. She is now asleep. She has gone lucky that is.
I slept by her side that night, until I felt her hand touching my head “Mommy.”
Finally she woke up! My tears just couldn’t stop itself.
“Why you crying mommy?” she asked with her broken childish english. I didn’t answer. “Mommy everything hurts. Make it go away.”
“I’m sorry honey, I’m sorry I wont let this happen to you again. No one will lay a finger on you ever again.”
And I made an oath to give her a better life. I filed for a restraining order for my child from her useless, cruel father. He begged me my forgiveness. He wants me to drop the lawsuit. To me this sounded like a broken record. And I proceeded with what I was doing.
Today I hold the papers of the court agreeing to my request. I have gained my child’s full custody. I’m starting a new life for both of us we are breaking free. We are better off alone and much happier.
Let him beg me my forgiveness and I won’t forgive.
Life is better without him.
P.S: The characters and events of the story are all fictional.
-Esperanza Writes

Dear You,

Dear You,

I have been hesitating whether to write this letter or not. Words unsaid is better than words said in a way, where there is no faults to retrieve or to apologize for.  It is easier to be safe but within all this being safe does not keep you going forward. I write this letter with indifferent matter to being objective. In the case of you I could never be objective I only could be a part of the whole thing and that is a fact rather than opinion.

Allow me to share with you what I wrote in my previous letter, just a small part of it:

I’m not sure if I should write this letter to someone specific or not. I’m not even sure what to write about.

During the past weeks my heart experienced some new kind of reluctant emotions. It grew  weaker than stronger, then weaker, then stronger. Much confused of its choice. Things are undecided and a coward soul comes in. I’m not making sense am I?

This is where I feel I repeat myself. I know that but how can I make sense when I’m afraid of all that is to come? How can I when all I allow myself to speak with is bunch of coded words?

Here is when I’m asking you to decode those words. It is all up to you.

I end that letter with:

Today I came across this riddle:

“I’m the part of the bird that’s not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?’

Even though the answer is simply “A shadow” to me the answer and the question means more.

With my tranquil heart,

Me

-Esperanza Writes

Mannequin

In order to proceed with this post I have to tell you the story behind why I chose mannequin. The other day I was walking in the mall and I saw a beautiful dress on a mannequin outside a store I went inside and asked to see it. The thing is it was not that good, my comment was like this looks different not good enough as the one on the mannequin. Then I realized of course it must be good on a mannequin because it is perfect. Later that day I decided not only to write a post but sketch a mannequin to accompanies the post. However you could see I not really patient with sketching I prefer oil/acrylic over sketching, but so far the picture (above) was what I came with and it is still unfinished.

Anyway Mannequin:

Mannequin outside the store

Standing so sure, so beautiful no one can compete

Everything on you looks pretty glamorous

My heart-felt envious, if only I was you

“Mannequin!” I cried. “What fortune do you have? How lucky you are!”

“To be looked upon and be praised! To be the center of every glare!”

“If only I was you.”

“No.” Replied the Mannequin, “there is no fortune in myself.”

“There is no luck in the praise towards me.”

“For all I am is a mannequin from wood and plastic.”

“No heart to feel. No life to seek.”

“No glory to look forward to. No heart that feels neither the good nor the bad.”

“No tears to shed, no senses that work.”

“Only a good fitting for some dress.”

“A mannequin that is moved around and around with no tongue to yell ‘STOP!'”

“For the fortune is given to the soul.”

“And me, my dear, am only given clothes to be wore.”

-Esperanza Writes

Highway

The following may be a description of my view or what I see, it is not necessarily the same situation for everyone of you. Having said that, this also does not mean that it is not your case. You know the moments where you think that you are the only one in the world who does a certain thing or thinks in a certain way and then you mention it to someone and turns out you are not after all the only person with that certain thing/thinking? Well this might be the case here.  That being cleared let us move on.

You know when you just stand there looking at the highway either from your window or from anywhere else (in my case from my bedroom window) where you just keep on looking, thinking but not really thinking of anything? When you decide that while you are at it you might as well count how many red cars pass (or in your case it might be another color). Then you start counting onetwothreefourteen… probably a quarter of an hour had passed and you are still counting… thirtythirty-one… then you wake up, realizing things. Realizing that you might have counted the same red car twice, that the same red car might have been going back and forth. You realize that you could go on and on till eternity and not be able to count all the red cars passing. Realizing it is more or less like counting the stars. Then realizing that what you were doing is just nonsense, useless nonsense. Then you go away proceeding to do what you were doing.

The point is… I do not really know what is the point.

It probably could be that there is nothing wrong with counting how many red cars had passed.

It probably could be that maybe there is more to life than observing but to start it you have to observe.

It probably could be that maybe at some point in your life you need to just stand, think, and then go on.

The point is… I do not really know what is the point it is just a bunch of cars on a highway.

-Esperanza Writes

Behind The Scenes

Remember the presentation I was bound to do? ( enhance your memory right here) Well it is over now and let me tell you one thing it went great! Bizarre! (el7emdellah). My presentation went smoothly and I was , and not being full of myself here, a natural performer even for the first time doing so. However here I’m not going to go on and on about how great it went or where did I slip ‘n’ slide in some point and managed to patch things up, but I will be talking about the “behind of scenes” of this presentation. How and why this presentation was a successful, amazing experiment in my life.

After Allah of course, my friend and partner in the presentation is the huge blessing to this event. I really hope that she reads this, in fact I’ll make sure she’ll read this. This girl whom I never knew until the beginning of the first semester of this study year we had a class together, where I was sitting in alone (most probably feeling lonely as ever) and not willing to make interaction. Except this amazing girl who would sit right next to me and flash me with her smile and make small talk with me. It made a whole lot of a difference to me. This smile is what I looked forward to the beginning of the day everyday, and to tell you the truth it was “hope” to me. I really liked her but it was “I-like-that-person-but-I-do-not-know-her-too-well” thing. Throughout the semester the same procedure continued where we would sit at the front make small talk and be as nerdy as ever, well not really but I guess you’ve got the picture. Once even we attended the class where we both were the only ones in class and it turned out that the doctor canceled the class and our nerdy ears refused to hear the cancellation ;p

a picture i took when we were the only ones who attended 🙂

Anyway time flew by and the term was about to come to an end. Until some doctors suggested that I present on English Day based on my paper on Billy Budd ( see my paper here and I do apologize for its form is not quite well when I PDFed it but I guess what is important is what’s in it full_research billy budd by esperanza writes) and the same thing was for her. We coincidentally knew that both of us are submitting our papers and knowing that only one Billy Budd paper will be accepted. So we went to our doctor and took his suggestion and it was as following. They might choose one of us and they might join our paper together (they are the Doctors). We on the other hand, did not really care what would be the outcome and were fine with it and left it for the Doctors to decide.

The semester ended and a new one began. The Doctor told us that we should decide what we wanted the presentation to be, single or joint. And joint is what we went with. Except we did not know how to combine two amazing, totally different papers together into a nine minutes presentation. At that time it sounded impossible to work with. Our Doctor suggested that we make it as a “hot debate” but yet we did not know how to do it. We exchanged out research papers and we started reading what the other had in hand. We drew a line of similarities and to that differences came out. A debate sounded more likely to be it. That was in mid February and our meetings took us with almost three times a week since then. In those times we elaborated more on this presentation we added and omitted trying to manage everything. Through this time span we knew each other more and more. I knew more about her and vice versa.  I remember once in a doctor’s office where we were supposed to present a draft of what we came with she told me something with uncompleted sentence and I nodded and said OK while the doctor was looking the whole time at us and commenting with something like that ” I could see the bond between you guys. I could totally imagine you growing up being so old with grandchildren playing around your feet while you are having your tea” (something like that of course I improvised here) where I replied with a huge smile ” I think by now she knows a lot about me more than anyone in this college” and I meant it. This is how we grew to be together.

Now where we presented in a way where we are both proud to say I worked with such an amazing girl I could say that this is where we won. We won each other. I am so proud to have known such a great person. We did just great because of each other after Allah.

Here is where I come to say:

Dear RZ,

I am really honored to know such a person as you. It is a great pleasure working with you and it is not a thing I will forget. This memory will stay with me forever. And no our friendship is not ending at this however it is just had started. Knowing you is one, if not the best, of the best things that happened to me in my college life and I am not exaggerating I am being so honest here. You are a flower that blossoms and never fades. Thank you for giving me a chance to be a part of your life. For giving me a chance to be in it. Thank you and Love you. I know that words are failing me right here but this is what came out and I do apologize for the lack of expression right here, but I guess you know what I mean. 🙂

Oh and I am going to miss you by not seeing you in college!! Pre-happy Graduation!!!!! You deserve all the best wAllah!! Allah ye7aftich!

Love

E.W.


Esperanza Writes

Do You Hate Me?

Since the end of last semester I have been accidentally involved with English day. Now English day  is basically two days in Kuwait University by the English department (obviously) that students from the same department do some acting and presenting …etc. The first day is for presentations under three categories 1. Literature 2. Linguistics 3. Current affairs. The second day is for plays (I think that is all).

I’m participating in the first day with a nine minutes presentations with a friend of mines talking about a literature story where we have joined both different research papers (ours) into one presentation. This required months of planning, thinking, stressing, and adjusting. Yes we are basically two nerds who worked so hard on this presentation.

Me trying to point out my point of view

Except this is my first time ever to present in front of an audience (not counting the play that I acted in with a minor role in high school where I kinda forgot my lines while performing) so I asked our Doctor (that is our instructor through the presentations) to make an audience during our rehearsals so I could adjust through it and see how my “stuttering and nerves” goes. Before yesterday’s rehearsal by an hour or so my friend and I rehearsed and I was having difficulties with the closing statement because we just wrote it this week with the help of the Doctor, yet I managed to do it. And we went to the auditorium that was full with both girls and guys and we were the second to go.

My hands flying all over the place, obviously

My heart was beating so hard yet I managed to go through the presentation with a little of stuttering and few hands flying all over the place but otherwise it was fine… UNTIL.. the closing statement where went smoothly through the first couple sentences but then suddenly my brain went dead.. like dead then stay silent, turn to my friend whisper a “sorry”, then as I just was about to proceed I see my Doctor shaking his head, then I stop again and say “Do you hate me?” Which made everybody crack and then I just do realize what I have said and laugh as well!! Except the Doctor wasn’t shaking his head for me but for someone else!! Then I completed quickly the rest.. yet I seriously do not know what happened to me asking this question ;p

Me laughing at the end realizing what I just said

 In two weeks is my actual presentation (9th of may) and I’m really hoping I do not throw in an awkward comment such as yesterday. I’ve been rehearsing since yesterday till now so I would not lose myself to a larger audience later on.

Piece of advice: No matter how much you get stuck with your presentation for God sake do not ask the Doctor whether he hates you or not.. avoid emotional comment.. notes taken.. hopefully.

Wish me luck!

p.s: I did not put my friends picture because I have not asked permission. She is awesome with the presentation and surely she did not ask if the Doctor hates her or not ;p

-Esperanza Writes