Bear My Thoughts (Pun Intended)

I have disappeared the past couple of months into a vacuum. However, I have not disappeared because of nothing but because all my energy has been focused on writing essays for my subjects on a weekly basis and whenever I got free time I would prefer spending it with putting my brains on a snooze mode.

Here, I am finally free (technically I was free a week ago) and I am in a holiday. It has been hectic trying to pull in everything I missed on out since the semester has started and doing the things that I love. Like watching movies where during the course I have alternated it with YouTube videos just to spare the time- because I could not just simply sit down and watch a movie for a period of time (even though I did it on rare basis). Reading, I miss reading outside materials that does not involve anything related to college, every time I attempt to pick a book a find myself not having time to read it and read college material- or feeling guilty that I am not reading the “suppose to read” stuff on the price of “self enjoyment” material. Add to that, writing outside stuff like writing this post- or simply just pouring my thoughts without thinking twice about what I should be or should not be writing and how “formal” the essay should be. Or that it should be flawless of grammatical errors (which will you be seeing a lot in this blog because I do not revise twice upon the post I have written- it is informal and I’m free to speak hence, no grading) just to be to the point and valid with the points I’m stating. It is kind of frustrating at times especially when each doctor had his/her own way of approving which is a good essay and which is not.

Lastly, hibernating- yes like a bear.

Continue reading Bear My Thoughts (Pun Intended)

Push the Buttons

It has been a while I know, but what can I say? College? Loads of papers and essays? stress over stress? Never mind that. However, do mind that I came to write here today for a reason. Yet the reason will remain until the latter. I’m not sure if the theory that I’m going to mention in a bit have came around in your life but the concept sure will sound familiar (although I’m pretty sure the way I’m going to explain it is somehow different).

You know when you are waiting for an elevator, you standing on the ground floor and the elevator is on the thirty second perhaps and you are pushing the buttons. Pushing, and anticipating it coming, and waiting and waiting for it to come but it so taking a damn long time. It is stopping on every floor and you are waiting. You wish you could go up the stairs but by the time you will get to the floor you are aiming for you will be out of breathe. So, you wait– impatiently-  you keep pushing and pushing the buttons, both those going up and down, as if by doing that you are making it come faster. And then when it finally arrives, it opens in a fast speed and people crammed inside just get out and semi-step on your feet and semi-trips you and by the time the people are all gone you manage to stand right outside the elevator and you see it’s empty from the inside. While, you lift your foot to step inside, the elevator closes and it goes up without waiting for you. Just like that it shunned you.

That elevator is that bottled up person, filled with all those emotions and you are the one who just keep pushing the buttons. The person is filled and filled, it exploded and now it is empty. The feelings turned out from everything to nothingness.

It hurts to be this person. So lost. So filled. So bottled. and So empty. Yet, no matter how you shun that person out of the elevator, that person will keep pushing the buttons until it is allowed. Because that person finds life more beautiful, easier, better with the elevator. And no matter what you do that person will be waiting until you give in and allow that person to be in. Me into your heart. No matter what you will do and how much you are through I will not leave you. No life is good without you.

I will keep nagging and nagging and pushing your buttons no matter how you try to shun me out of your emptiness.

Because a lot of things. Because you made me write this post for you which means you are dear. Because life is bitter without the sweet, which is you. Because I love you.

I do not know what is wrong, but allow me to listen.

Many loves,

Esperanza Writes


[Past Post] Blue Rose

I’ve been having trouble figuring out what to write. So this is a past post called “Blue Rose”, from my ex-blog, expressing the reason why blue rose is my favorite flower and why do I feel that why about it. Until I regain my words I’ll leave you to this. Enjoy:

A delicate sign to hope trembling and crumbling, trying her best to make something out of herself. She looked up and reached out to this world thinking would she rather be like everybody else? or Would she show herself no matter how different she is, no matter what made her this way?
She was identified as not being real genetically changed and made to this… but she had to prove herself.. Prove herself right that she existed!!
She was thrown in a snowy windy day on the ground waiting, anticipating for a life saver.. and there a blue rose as lonely, as lost as her… she picked her up, inhaled a deep soothing breath, dropped to her knees and looked up…. and the soft lyrics of a song came along:

Blue as the crying sky
With no thorn, AND no THISTLE
Only AN open face
Staring at the waking world
Maybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine
Maybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine

Her arms stretch wide
To receive a life
And her ROOTS go deep into the BLACK EARTH for strength
And she blooms and

Maybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine
Maybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine

She blooms while the people sleep
To those who RISE with the noon day Sun
She is a closed mystery

AND Maybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine
OH, Maybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine
Lost in a tangle of vine
Lost in a tangle of vine*

The girl walked with the blue rose clutched between her hands…she whispered ” I’ll not hide anymore” She decided not to hide anymore, no more for being lost and show her beauty no matter what is being told or said about her… She will stand whether was it out or in as long as she becomes herself….
She is a Blue Rose … She is a rose that is been made… and yet she’ll bloom to this life.. and not give up.. strong and independent… A Blue Rose she is.
I’d like to thank MJ-Al-Feeli  for shooting this photo exclusively for this post.
* “Blue Rose”, Lizz Wright.
-Esperanza Writes

Awkward Things I take Pride in

There are many things I take pride in, and some of things are actually pretty awkward but nonetheless I still do take pride in. So I thought why don’t I list them and take more pride then I usually do take pride in.

  • My scars. I have plenty and plenty of scars and I do take pride in having them. Some say remove them by laser and I say “why would I? I love them”. With every scar there is a story and the most one I take pride in is the one above my right eyebrow and I secretly think that it is cool because “I got it before harry potter’s scar”.
does it show?
  •  My clumsy self. I am so clumsy that I decided to take pride in it. Do you see the above scar? Well  had it because my clumsy self was playing catch when I was in third grade that I slammed into a wall and got me this amazing scar.
  • My tears. They come easily that I keep popping it in every conversation as much as possible “The movie was so great that I cried” “The weather is beautiful I might as well cry” ” I cry easily” I think you’ve got the image now.
  • My romantic side and I would make it bold and clear to anyone and no one in particular that I am so once I said to someone “You know that I have this huge romantic side of me..” in a conversation.
  • My hypochondria self. I would go on and on about what type of diagnosis on myself like “I suffer from analytic disorder, Writing OCD, metaphorically speaking..” and on and on I would go until one friend opened a dictionary and showed me the meaning of hypochondria and I said “oh and that too!”
  • The nerd me. You do not, I repeat DO NOT want to know how much I take pride in my English/literature pride side.
  • The bookworm me. (no need for more explanation).
  • My awkward wording. My Arabic is not really good not as it should be and I would twist all the prepositions with whatever and comes out as a retarded sentence.
  • My awkward comments. As an example once I told someone that “the weather is beautiful.. all it is missing is my shinning armor” (in my defense it was raining, you know what rain does to people right?)
  • My badliyat I don’t know what it is called in English but I have a long list of these.
  • That I love Disney movies and that I am originally a child.
  • The crazy me. You do not want to see me crazy. Mostly I do become crazy with family and certain friends but mostly my brother (to irritate him). I do take pride in my craziness.
  • My introvert self.
  • My love in food. I love food so much that I sometimes get cranky when I do not eat. FOOD you rock!!
  • Some exotic things I ate: a grasshopper, ants (ants were by mistake) and I plan on eating raw octopus.
  • I don’t freak out about insects/animals and PROUD.

p.s: the first picture’s glasses are not mines but my sister’s that I borrowed. You might add that to the list is that I love this style in glasses.

-Esperanza Writes