I remember when I was excited about everything and anything. I remember when I would be enthusiastic about a sparkle in my head. I use to be a lot of things. This did not go entirely away, but must I say that in some parts it did evolve, became a better version, more knowledgeable and enlightened. But in other parts it just… died.
A quick recap. I graduated. I am officially a KU graduate majoring in English Literature and minoring in Comparative Literature. At this point my occupation in this world is the girl behind the screen. Stays up all night and watches
I have been hesitating whether to write this letter or not. Words unsaid is better than words said in a way, where there is no faults to retrieve or to apologize for. It is easier to be safe but within all this being safe does not keep you going forward. I write this letter with indifferent matter to being objective. In the case of you I could never be objective I only could be a part of the whole thing and that is a fact rather than opinion.
Allow me to share with you what I wrote in my previous letter, just a small part of it:
I’m not sure if I should write this letter to someone specific or not. I’m not even sure what to write about.
During the past weeks my heart experienced some new kind of reluctant emotions. It grew weaker than stronger, then weaker, then stronger. Much confused of its choice. Things are undecided and a coward soul comes in. I’m not making sense am I?
This is where I feel I repeat myself. I know that but how can I make sense when I’m afraid of all that is to come? How can I when all I allow myself to speak with is bunch of coded words?
Here is when I’m asking you to decode those words. It is all up to you.
I end that letter with:
Today I came across this riddle:
“I’m the part of the bird that’s not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?’
Even though the answer is simply “A shadow” to me the answer and the question means more.
While approaching a discussion with a family over spicy food and the type of people who hate them the conversation winded up to end with the purpose of certain genre movies. Now that may seem not relative to you or it is but here is how the different approaches of speech went.
It all started over dinner where there is a certain dish that contains spices that are well, spicy in other words it’s is hot. They started talking about who of the family members did not like spicy food, which I am one of them along with my older sister and brother. Making us outnumbered by the other side (spicy food lovers). Anyway, my sister, which is one of the lovers, made a comment on how those who does not like the spicy stuff lack the adventurous side and the adrenaline rush love, they all tend to lean to the safe side. I objected saying that this speculation (whether it was a matter of speculations or statistics) is false. I, for one, hate spicy food but rather love the adrenaline rush and would jump in the first roller costar ride I’d come in interaction with. She said then that I make it up by trying exotic dishes that no one dares to eat (true story and Proud!) but then she said that I also don’t watch horror movies which is an evidence to me being on the safe side and afraid, mom supports her by saying that I am a chicken . False! I hate horror movies because to me it is pointless, I do not ever benefit for them and all its purpose is to scare us and nothing else. She argued my point to say that so is romantic movies are pointless and they put us into any imaginative side which is not real. Bullshitting our minds with false love that does not exist (that was her point of view), not true romantic movies are full of meanings and depth, it gives hope and belief to life. Even though some love from love differs and it does not come to the shape we want to be but there is more to love than just mere love. So is there is to romantic movies than just a love story.
Than mom ended up saying a story about a woman asking her husband what is an election campaign? He said it is like before I married you I promised the world and did you see any of the promises I gave becoming real? She said no. He said: exactly.
But I refuse to see that love is not reachable; sure it might not come in the suit we like to see it in, but is it possible that a guy out there won’t give me the romance that I want to live? So far I would like to live the romantic imagination I always dreamt of and refuse to believe that I won’t get it one day.