Push the Buttons

It has been a while I know, but what can I say? College? Loads of papers and essays? stress over stress? Never mind that. However, do mind that I came to write here today for a reason. Yet the reason will remain until the latter. I’m not sure if the theory that I’m going to mention in a bit have came around in your life but the concept sure will sound familiar (although I’m pretty sure the way I’m going to explain it is somehow different).

You know when you are waiting for an elevator, you standing on the ground floor and the elevator is on the thirty second perhaps and you are pushing the buttons. Pushing, and anticipating it coming, and waiting and waiting for it to come but it so taking a damn long time. It is stopping on every floor and you are waiting. You wish you could go up the stairs but by the time you will get to the floor you are aiming for you will be out of breathe. So, you wait– impatiently-  you keep pushing and pushing the buttons, both those going up and down, as if by doing that you are making it come faster. And then when it finally arrives, it opens in a fast speed and people crammed inside just get out and semi-step on your feet and semi-trips you and by the time the people are all gone you manage to stand right outside the elevator and you see it’s empty from the inside. While, you lift your foot to step inside, the elevator closes and it goes up without waiting for you. Just like that it shunned you.

That elevator is that bottled up person, filled with all those emotions and you are the one who just keep pushing the buttons. The person is filled and filled, it exploded and now it is empty. The feelings turned out from everything to nothingness.

It hurts to be this person. So lost. So filled. So bottled. and So empty. Yet, no matter how you shun that person out of the elevator, that person will keep pushing the buttons until it is allowed. Because that person finds life more beautiful, easier, better with the elevator. And no matter what you do that person will be waiting until you give in and allow that person to be in. Me into your heart. No matter what you will do and how much you are through I will not leave you. No life is good without you.

I will keep nagging and nagging and pushing your buttons no matter how you try to shun me out of your emptiness.

Because a lot of things. Because you made me write this post for you which means you are dear. Because life is bitter without the sweet, which is you. Because I love you.

I do not know what is wrong, but allow me to listen.

Many loves,

Esperanza Writes

 

Beg Me My Forgiveness (short story) [Past Post]

(Some people are better off Solo. -Esperanzish Proverb)

It all started with a look, then a touch, then a ring. I was deceived with his words. Promises upon promises was presented to me and I believed. I lived a fairy tale that every girl dreamed of. I was a princess in other words.
We settled in together, got married and I lived the time of my life. I loved him so dearly, I grew so attached to him. I would stand up against a bullet for him, after all he is the husband I have chosen. The husband that I fell in love with him in the first sight.
Things seemed beautiful at first I am a middle-school teacher and he is, well he is searching for a job, he wanted to be a huge investor, he had those wild dreams and I respected his dreams. In fact I encourage him to go after his dreams. I was his motivator.
He worked hard the first couple of months on trying to find his dreams, but then he just quitted didn’t try anymore. He started to just stop and do nothing. He would be going out in the night amusing himself, then he would sleep all morning. Being a useless drag. The only equation that I was in was being the source of money.
I thought at first it was a phase, depression maybe so I let him alone to deal with it. This didn’t seem to workout so I tried to talk to him, it didn’t go well. Our voices grew louder until we were practically shouting. Any neighbor with in ten feet away could’ve heard us. And then the most unexpected thing happened, he slapped me so hard I could feel my cheek going numb. I was in shock how could this happen? How could he dare do so?
Our shouts grew louder and louder until I could feel myself blackout from the repetitive beating.
They told me I lost too much blood and that the child made it.. what child?
They told me that I am with child, I’m pregnant in my fourth month.
He came with tears apologizing, that he lost his temper and he would never do such a thing again. He begged my forgiveness. And I accepted it.
It only lasted two days then things went back to normal. Until it became a routine he wouldn’t do anything, we fight, I get beaten, and he would apologize and swear upon his grave that this won’t happen again.
Until I was due. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and she become ecstasy of my life. But that did not make a difference to him. He still was him. The guy that I become to loathe. It’s a wonder of wonders how deep love and affection would turn into hate and detest. The only reasons that kept me with him is because of two things: I didn’t want my daughter to be lost in a world without a father, and what will the society think if I got divorced. This society didn’t mercy the woman not at all. I would be a taboo if I was divorced even if I was the person who didn’t do this relationship wrong.
Things got worse and my daughter is two years old now. My life became without any taste. It became a living hell. Until that day when I was to tired to function, I had just came from work. He just woke up he asked for something to eat, “Go get yourself something. I’m going to rest.”
“What did you say?” he replied with an angry temper in his voice.
“I’m too tired to say anything. Do yourself some good and fitch your own food.”
And that what triggered everything. It started a fight he was shouting and I was so tired to even argue I ignored him and started to head to my room, then I heard something break over my head. The bastard threw a plate towards me. “FOR GOD SAKE ACT MATURE FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!!” I screamed.
“Mommy!” I heard a faint scary voice behind me.
“Oh darling come here.” He screamed some more. “You are scaring the girl!! Shut up!!”
And then another plate came flying landing on my beloved daughter. Blood was streaming down her face. I panicked, I screamed! My daughter! My daughter!! She is going to die!!!! I shook her to get a respond but she was unconscious!
I quickly held her up and drove her to the ER as fast as I can. And all that time I kept thinking that I am going to lose her. I’m going to lose my only reason for living in this life.
The next thing that happened was almost a blur they took her from me and told me to wait, and all the time I was crying blaming it on myself for not providing a safe environment for my child. It is all my fault right?
Until thirty minutes later the doctor came assuring me that they removed glass particles from her body and she is fine now with a couple of stitches. She is now asleep. She has gone lucky that is.
I slept by her side that night, until I felt her hand touching my head “Mommy.”
Finally she woke up! My tears just couldn’t stop itself.
“Why you crying mommy?” she asked with her broken childish english. I didn’t answer. “Mommy everything hurts. Make it go away.”
“I’m sorry honey, I’m sorry I wont let this happen to you again. No one will lay a finger on you ever again.”
And I made an oath to give her a better life. I filed for a restraining order for my child from her useless, cruel father. He begged me my forgiveness. He wants me to drop the lawsuit. To me this sounded like a broken record. And I proceeded with what I was doing.
Today I hold the papers of the court agreeing to my request. I have gained my child’s full custody. I’m starting a new life for both of us we are breaking free. We are better off alone and much happier.
Let him beg me my forgiveness and I won’t forgive.
Life is better without him.
P.S: The characters and events of the story are all fictional.
-Esperanza Writes

Today is All I See

Today all cars I see are white;

No other color, no other brand, no other design.

Today all shirts I see are red;

No other color, no other shade, no other style.

Today all skin I see is moderate brown;

No other color, no other flesh, no other tone.

My vision is blurred but those colors.

And so is my depth is colorless black.

Please, I beg bring me my colors back.

The feeling is agonizing and there is really no one to blame.

My heart beats fast, my throat dries up and everything on flame.

And I realize I’m only a onelet… just a onelet.

There is nothing to put down the flame.

Today out of all days is not the same,

My vision is blurred but those colors.

-Esperanza Writes

Life is Tough, Get Comfortable With it

Earlier today I spent a half hour or so soaked in tears but don’t worry it wasn’t that I was sad or anything I was just watching “Step Mom”, who does not know what this movie is? I call those tears Good Tears. Even though I was re-watching it for God knows how many times I did not expect to cry again on it, but I did and I learned a lesson which I have been trying to teach myself this whole past month because I met someone. Well to tell you the truth I was working on it my whole life and finally I think finally I can say I’m very proud of myself that I managed to master it thanks to Allah.

You see this someone is a girl with me in class and ever since I’ve met her this term she has done nothing but complain. She had had or still living a hard life true but who isn’t in this life. In general life is such a tough fella on all of us no exception in different degrees. You see we all have our lucky-unlucky days but she just made her life hell by complaining the whole time and to tell you the truth it has been bothering me, not only because her complaining is simply annoying in every aspect but because she wouldn’t quite it at all and she is partially transferring this negativity disease into my positive field, which to tell you that I’ve been working on it since I’ve been born “looking at the bright side” and such, but till no it has not transferred and I maintain my hopeful field and to tell you the truth I’m way cheerful this time of my life and I just kept pushing her negativity away. Until today she took it to the extremes because our Doctor today did not attend our 8 am class so she decided to make a huge deal out of it because she has two quizzes today and she won’t be done from college until 8 at night, then some other student decided to defend the Doctor by saying maybe she is sick and she had her reasons and that just made her blow up and scream at her like, well like a lunatic to be precise. There wasn’t a reason for her to act in such a way but then you can give her all the excuses because she has a hard life but no! I didn’t say anything until she came towards me, still complaining, and I thought to myself “You know enough is enough. She is getting in my nerves.”

Continue reading Life is Tough, Get Comfortable With it

Esperanza (The Story) Chapter 7 “The Downfall”

It is been almost two months since I’ve written anything regarding this story and I’m not really sure if anyone out there is looking forward to the next chapters, except one lovely girl called “Abrar” she is one of my reasons for me to keep writing I haven’t actually thanked her that much thank you girl you are an inspiration by yourself I love you even though I never met you, thanks for believing in me.

For those who stopped in just now and by some coincidence know that such a blog exists I will give you a brief explanation of this story I’m writing. This story is true, it happened to me and for some reason or another I’m writing it here to read previous chapters it is in this page  I really advice you to go read those chapters first before you read this, don’t spoil it for you chapters are there for a reason :).

Now to why I didn’t write anything since two months well, I’ve been procrastinating because for some reason or another I know it is hard to dig up all those memories and once I do my heart aches and my brain keeps shutting and telling me to do something else. But here I am again into writing this sorry if it is short but this is the transition chapter please bare with me… So here you go with Chapter Seven “The Downfall”

…………………………………………………………………..

People need hard times and oppression to develop psychic muscles.
Emily Dickinson

The moment when you come to life you have expectations, first a drink of milk to keep you full but then they develop like never before. You expect everything the good and the bad along the way. You look for signs to what to expect, if the day is doing you good you expect good and if you don’t get a smiling day you expect bad. No matter how things go we all expect. No matter how many times we tell ourselves to not expect it will only hurt us for the most probably we cannot help ourselves but expect.

I expected. I expected a good life. I expected to be better but what I did not expect was this. Me in the hospital while I thought I would not have to visit it again. Me being told that I was not well that I needed an immediate surgery to fix the ripped parts inside in me. But I was too tired to argue. So much in pain to consider what is going on. I had enough pain to want it to be over with. I rolled over in the bed waiting and hearing my mother and the doctor talking trying to ease the pain inside me. This will be over soon.

My doctor is a military doctor or something he was telling my mom that after the surgery he could move me to the hospital he is working in, since we were in a private hospital, and I could be under his direct supervision. I replied with I do not really care and that they should decide not me. He proceeded saying that he will try to maintain the same wounds and not create new ones but he might cut my stomach all the way if it was complicated and that I might lose some blood which means I need a donor even though my blood type was hard to find for I was lucky to have my brother with the same blood type (O-).

Nodding our heads we surrender not having power to change it, leaving it to the hands of the Almighty Allah.

*********

I wake up to a certain Déjà vu I’m again in the hospital and it is night where I just got out of the operation room. Except this time the ache is much bigger to make it a repeated scene. It was not a Déjà vu it was living the same things again. And when the feeling was more than I anticipated I knew I just had to ask to confirm “Did they cut all the way in my stomach.”

“Um.. Yes but you will be alright.”

And I drift into sleep hoping that when I wake up everything will be over even though I knew that I needed time but still there is Hope  Right?

Run… Run… Don’t!

Run

Fast

No looking back

Lungs gasps for breath

and Run

Run

Trip and Fall

Dirt is covering all that to see

Bruises and Scars

What has life became to?

Something inside screams

Ignore and Run

Screams comes within Screams

Run and Run

Salted water covers the face

More Screaming

STOP IT!

Run

Warm sensation on the shoulder

No running?

Look back

More warmth

A calming sensation

Don’t Run

Come back

The glory will come

Time.. Time

No running?

Back to a reflection

It’s time

Reflection?

Don’t Run?

Time.. Don’t Run.. Reflection

Salted Water

Blooming flowers

Spring is coming

-Esperanza Writes

تكلمت… بصمت [Past Post]


نظرتُ في عينيها
تبدو وكأنـَّها ثـُقِـلـَـتْ ….همومًا
سوادُ الليل ِ يختزلُ تلكَ العينين

وكأنها تحكي أيّامًا مضَتْ،
عبّرَتْ عن ماضي كيانِـهـا بتلكَ …النظرةِ
و بدا الأمرُ وكأنها

تكلـَّمتْ.. بصمتْ
-Esperanza Writes