I’m back to life. Technically, I was never in life. I mean I was in life. The only time I time I was in life is when I was in university and I was actually enjoying life through a world of unspeakable pleasures: good theoretical literature and good company. But that ended as soon as it started. Now, I’m in the sidewalk with many other people looking at the cars (specifically at the Bentleys , the Mercedes, the Maseratis …etc) pass by and walking slower than a snail.
Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a sad post. In order to write a sad post you’d have to be sad but I’m immune to what’s going on. I’m beginning to accept life as it is. A slow pace of misfortunes and no can do(s). I understood that your dreams can not be fulfilled unless you have a fortune cookie with your name written in it when it’s cracked or for a better luck, have your name with a hundred titles before it.
Oh, well. Meh.
So, currently I have a desk governmental job. I am an Academic Advisor…tsk tsk. Usually, I finish work at the early and then I just sit wait if someone comes to ask me stuff or to finish paperwork and so on (bureaucratic shit basically) and I catch up on reading or (starting now) catch up with blogging. It’s an okay job. It pays and gives you a sense of liberation (somehow… like in a superficial sense) but that is. I made quite a good company here. A girl who I knew from uni but did not create a bound with her until now. She is sweet and she is amazing. Shout out to you Munira!!
I’m still trying on life. I’m not giving up but this time it’s on a slower pace and with very little to zero hope in the process of “happening”.
Oh yeah! notice something? I ditched “Esperanza Writes” I think by now I’ve grown out of it and I need something that attaches my “I” into it, hence, “Norawithletters” just like my Instagram . My name now exists in the realm of my blogging zone! Yaaay?
On an end note, be safe. Life is what life is meant to be. الحمدالله على كل حال.
I have been hesitating whether to write this letter or not. Words unsaid is better than words said in a way, where there is no faults to retrieve or to apologize for. It is easier to be safe but within all this being safe does not keep you going forward. I write this letter with indifferent matter to being objective. In the case of you I could never be objective I only could be a part of the whole thing and that is a fact rather than opinion.
Allow me to share with you what I wrote in my previous letter, just a small part of it:
I’m not sure if I should write this letter to someone specific or not. I’m not even sure what to write about.
During the past weeks my heart experienced some new kind of reluctant emotions. It grew weaker than stronger, then weaker, then stronger. Much confused of its choice. Things are undecided and a coward soul comes in. I’m not making sense am I?
This is where I feel I repeat myself. I know that but how can I make sense when I’m afraid of all that is to come? How can I when all I allow myself to speak with is bunch of coded words?
Here is when I’m asking you to decode those words. It is all up to you.
I end that letter with:
Today I came across this riddle:
“I’m the part of the bird that’s not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?’
Even though the answer is simply “A shadow” to me the answer and the question means more.
Thank you all for coming here to hear of my speech, jaw falling or not, you came here with your invisible spirits hanging around this invisible hall. You come to hear and I come to speak and I do try my best to serve you all what satisfies. You are not treated as subjects but as individuals who make a difference but right now and right here where everything is unseen my invisible figure is to speak of what my heart desires.
I speak for the time of visibility and this no longer becomes an allusion. Some critiques will try to break this speech into pieces that will probably make it more understandable and reasonable and yet I only hope that, that is if they do, it will help be understand as well.
I came here to praise upon myself what have I done.. which is nothing and everything at once. My dreams are still hanging with some roller coaster ride taste in it with a depth of emotion hanging on.
Controversial is always an issue when it comes to me and myself.. we just cannot understand each other but I have hope that one day we will. What I say is a matter of words scattered waiting to be collected.
Life is an abstract word yet we live it and so are our dreams. My dreams are beyond the frontiers, exceeding the limits and so are many million people out there including you. I admire those who came across and made the invisible visible and I am on transition in between the two worlds. I have no more to say other than after I leave this very room one of you will become the next invisible public figure and I will become visible.
Doctors are not my favorite people in the world. I mean I do not hate them or anything, I’m sure they are great people but I hate visiting them and that explains much why I haven’t gone to the dentist for … um for 12 years (let’s just keep this between me and you ok?). Let me rewind time twelve years ago and tell you why aside from hating the smell of hospitals themselves.
Twelve years ago I was in the third grade vacationing in Syria I had to visit the Orthodontist to fix some teeth of mine. They had to use an injection to numb the feelings inside my mouth but, let me admit I was a brat I refused to be injected being scared from needles in all, till the doctor was already fed up with me and got angry and guess what he did? He slapped me so hard that I just got scared and obeyed orders. Funny enough I actually later on was all asking about him during the vacation (he was a friend of my family’s friend so we got to see each other outside). Anyway my scare of doctors didn’t lower its rate later on. I think it was more than the hospital smell that just makes me feel like I’m going to faint (I actually faint at times). It was more because every nutrition I’ve met because of some weight issues was scolding me and making the scare worst for me. Me, being the sensitive kid as I am, would either stay silent the most time because I don’t want my tears to fail me right there (you see doctors should watch out with their attitudes I don’t care how many years of studying they had to do to reach this level, try to be sympathetic at least for people like me!). Anyway my destiny in life was to meet a lot of doctors and spend months with them more than I intended to (read my story to know why). So after facing many doctors and creating the bravery I have (plus my mom insisting that I needed braces) I decided to go to the dentist.
Yesterday was my visit to the dentist before I went I was scared of the doctor would scold me especially that I know that I have cavity problems, but I didn’t know. Giving that I’m going to see the doctor my sisters went to I asked them if he was the scolding type and they assured me that he is fun and a joking kind of person.
I went into the doctor’s office he said that I needed braces my teeth were a little bit out and I had two solutions: either to take my front teeth off and readjust them (NO WAY!) or that I’ll adjust them , but not 100% through normal braces procedure. Of course I went with the second one, because to tell you the truth my teeth are not THAT bad they just need a little adjusting if you may say so. I took some X-rays,measuring, and took pictures of me (I think Ordthodontists have a thing for photography as a second career because that camera was a pro, or is it just my doctor?) and he said he’ll meet me later on to discuss my teeth thoroughly. Meanwhile I need to check my cavity and he is not able to do it the next weeks so I must do it with another doctor either government’s doctor or in the same clinic. We went with the same clinic and he asked from a Lebanese doctor to check me out and to see what to do with my cavity issues. The doctor was sweet and nice so far I didn’t see anything with his attitude in the brief amount of time we talked in.
Here is a question: what is it that will make you so happy to the limit that you will actually cry? And when I say cry I mean really cry not a few tears? I actually never thought of it until now, I mean I know what would be make me cry out of joy but not REALLY cry. I didn’t think of it until I saw the Kristen Bell interview with Ellen DeGeneres (watch Below) in which I really envied her and wished that I could be in her place with all those tears of joy. I remember one time I was really in joy that I really cried along with everybody around me is that when I came back after four months of treating abroad and finally coming home to see my family and my loved ones. That day I actually cried so bad I was overwhelmed with joy, but what about now?
In between the time span where I saw the video and writing this post (which is only 10-20 minutes, I watched the video twice too) I thought of what is it that I really want so badly that I would actually be overwhelmed with joy once getting it and one thing sprung to mind: My first book being real. This is my dream and this is what I really want throughout life other than what we all want. If I do get that I would seriously get into a meltdown and cry and I’ll probably have footage of me doing so.
I wish that moment would actually spring by one day. In the time being I envy Kristen Bell.